The Strange Relationship Between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef
by Death to Original Naming
Summary: Title says it all. Stupidity ensure. Probably no romance but do keep a look out for the bromance. I think we need a better summary.
1. Medium pork ramen

"Hmm... so we've hit the two year anniversary of living here huh Kurama?"

**"..."**

"Oiii, answer me already~! I know you're awake in there!"

**"...Shut up."**

"This is a special occasion, I figured we should talk about it."

**"...We can talk... after my nap."**

"Noooooo~ Don't sleep now, you'll never wake up again~!"

**"..."**

"Seriously! And here I thought that I can close up the shop for a day and spend some quality time with you, you overgrown lazy bag of fuzz."

**"...Well then... HOW ABOUT YOU CARRY THE WEIGHT OF OUR COMBINED EXISTENCE FOR A CHANGE!"**

"... I would gladly accept that challenge but I need to open up the shop."

**"...Ungrateful bra...ZZZ."**

"...Seriously? You were awake for like five minutes..."

It was a good thing that Naruto opened his ramen shack early or else he would have had to receive many questioning stares coming his way for his one man act while he sweeps the front entrance. Then again, the reason he opens up early is exactly because of that. The lady next door is still sending him pitying glances whenever he greets her.

_'Damn middle aged gossiping old hag, I know it's you who's been spreading the rumors of me escaping an insanity asylum! It's not my fault I have a telepathic connection with a disembodied demonic beast whom I befriended... Huh, maybe the old hag is on to something...'_

**"SHUT UP ALREADY!"**

_'Stop reading my thoughts then!'  
><em>

**"We're connected by th...ZZZ"  
><strong>

"...Kurama? Buddy? You there?"

Naruto glances down to his stomach where the seal for Kurama's home resides. Hearing no answer except for a light snoring sound, the blonde teen sighs to himself and flips over the open sign before walking into his ramen shop.

_'Looks like it's one of those days again.'_

* * *

><p>It has been roughly two years since Naruto awoken in the middle of the forest west of Japan's capital, Tokyo.<p>

He had no idea how he got there or how long he's been laying there but by the time he got to his feet, the sky was pitch black. Not seeing any of the stars or even a moon to guide him, the blonde climbed a random tree and tried to recollect himself. He remembered the sealing of Kaguya Otsutsuki with the help his team and the beasts. He remembered Sasuke's harebrained scheme for obtaining ultimate peace. He slightly recall the battle that took place where he gloriously kicked some sense into Sasuke (read as: barely remembers getting punched in the face and retaliating). But anything afterwards escaped the blonde. Try as he might, he could not seem to conjure up any memory of the events after he blacked out.

After ten minutes of him sitting cross legged with arms fold under each other and face scrunched up in concentration on a tree branch , a little light bulb appeared on top of his head... and smashed itself into his skull. He was knocked out of his thinking and literally fell into his mindscape. In front of him was the gate of Kurama's prison and the same light bulb that smashed him earlier appeared again and "dinged" before disappearing. Suddenly, the idea that he should ask Kurama if he remembered anything popped into his head. Completely ignoring the metaphorical violence happening to him like a good main character that he is, Naruto walked past the gates of the prison and roamed into the cell.

"Kurama! You here?" Naruto couldn't see very far into the deep dark cavern so he decided to call out to his partner. Not hearing any answer, he panicked a little and called upon his chakra to... do whatever it did for him to sense others. Getting a vague location of the giant chakra container relieved Naruto.

_'Whew, there he is... but... why isn't he answering? Maybe something's wrong!' _Renewing his sense of panic, Naruto ran towards the vague location of Kurama. Though even in complete darkness, he somehow managed to see the fox's outline as he ran towards it. The giant beast was in his usual pose, laying on his stomach with his head on top of his forepaws. Seeing the resting fox didn't calm him down at all. This was mostly due to the fact that the fox was not responding to his insistent yelling of its name (and he can be _very_ insistent).

"Hey, Kurama, you okay?" Naruto was very worried, borderlining frightened, at the stilled fox. Kurama is many things; manipulative, cynical, grudging, lonely, fiery, and plain arrogant. Calm and silent however, was not him. The blonde knew that if he annoyed the fox enough, he would definitely get a tail to the face and here he was, insistently calling the fox. Kurama would've reached his limits at around the fifth call but now Naruto passed the fiftieth mark and not even a twitch shown itself.

"...Kurama..." He whispers as he reaches out to touch the snout of his stilled friend... and got a tail slapped into his face, sending him flying a couple hundred meters before he falls to his face, ass sticking up in the air.

**"...I heard you... the first time... brat." **The previously stilled beast opened one of his eyes to glance at the downed blonde. It pulled its lips up into a twisted smirk and gloatingly said

**"...Expect the unexpected... look underneath the underneath... right, Naruto?" **

"... I will never worry about you again you fuzzbag." Not bothering to lift up his face, Naruto begins to push his body back towards the still lying fox. He didn't need to look up to know the fox is wearing that damned smirk. Though he had said he wouldn't worry, in the end he still noticed how tired Kurama sounded and deigned it important enough to ask.

"...Why d'you sound so tired anyway? I thought you were the invincible Kyuubi-sama that wouldn't tire even after terrorizing an army of kittens. "

**"We're not in the Elemental Nations anymore Naruto"** The fox broke in before Naruto could start another of his tirades.**  
><strong>

**"... Kaguya... managed to bite us in the ass even after kicking the bucket... An external dimensional rift was purposely left open... We fell straight into it... I have no idea where we are... Just that we're not in the Elemental Nations anymore..."**

"..." Naruto was shocked. Kaguya still managed to screw him over even now? Sheez, how persistent is that woman? Well, it's not like he has to worry, he'll just wait here for Kakashi-sensei to use that space jutsu of his... which he needs the Sharingan to use... and said Sharingan... is gone... "Ding"

"You mean..."

**"...No way back... sorry Naruto... I'm tire... I leave the rest to you..."**

"But... that's... Why are you so tired, Kurama?" Not completely accepting his current predicament, Naruto looked for something to grasp onto and what he managed was the worry he had for his partner.

**"...We are not... "residents" of this plane... It will take a while for it to accept us... Until then... it will try to... "deport" us... I will "anchor" us here... so that we won't get... "deported"... Don't do anything stupid... I won't be able to drag you out this time... Good luck, Naruto." **The smirk that the fox had before turned into a compassionate smile as he closes his eyes once more and stilled, just like how Naruto had found him.

"..." Naruto stood before the resting fox, mouth agape, trying to redirect his thoughts to something. In the end, he just sat on the branch, eyes dazed while looking in the sky at nothing in particular.

* * *

><p>Naruto chuckled at the memory of what had happened on his first night in this world. Looking back at it, he felt that he could've done better then to sit on a branch for ten hours straight before getting hungry and stumbling to civilization.<p>

_'My gods I was so lost back then.'_ Stopping a robber to ask him for some help, having the cops catch up to said robber, fighting off said cops to help said robber, getting arrested by said cops for helping said robber and finally having to wake Kurama up to help bail him out of said arrest. On the plus side, apparently Kurama knows how to use Genjutsu after all. Coming from the giant fox who thinks a Bijudama is the answer to everything, who knew right?

_'I could've handled it better...'_ *Flashback* Naruto punching the cop holding down the robber in the face .

_'...Could've totally done way better.'_ *Flashback* Naruto being tackled down by a group of policeman.

_'...' _*Flashback* Naruto being led to a police car in handcuffs with a jacket covering his head. A pair of mother and child stood in the backgrounds, the mother covering the child's eyes as he points towards the arrested Naruto.

_'Alright already! I get it! I'm helpless without you, you bag of fuzz!' _The blonde screams internally while tilting his body backwards and pulled on a huge chunk of his hair, as if to pull out the bad memories.

**"...Hehe...ZZZ..."**

"Honestly... are you sleeping or not, you fuzzbag." Naruto grumbled to himself as he pulls out a cloth to wipe the tables of his small shop. His ears twitched when the door bells jingled, indicating that a customer is coming in. Since the shop only experience an influx of a handful of regular customers, Naruto can pretty much guess who it was without even using his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™ (he still used it to double check anyways).

"A little bit early to be coming here isn't it, Issei?"

"That's because there was something I wanted to get at the convenient store early."The brown-haired teen in a school uniform turned to the blonde ramen shack owner and grinned perversely.

"...Oh?" Naruto feels like he already knows.

"Yes, you see, I timed it perfectly and have been planning this for almost three weeks now. I aimed the target at the nearby 24/7 convenient store down the street. I tracked down every one of the employees and made notes of their personality, work shift and behavioral patterns. Today was the specific day that Majiwari-san had an ten hour night shift. Since he has shown lethargic behaviors during his morning shifts I picked him in particular to be my cashier so that I could buy-" The unexpectedly shrewd boy reached into his uniform jacket and pulled out "-This!" a magazine with a picture of a young woman winking to her readers while barely covering her... assets with her hands, in other words, a porno magazine.

_'Yup, called it' _

"Oppai Oppai Heaven Deluxe Edition! I've been gunning this down ever since it first appeared in that convenient store! After so long... I finally get to hold it and call it mine." The teen begins cradling the magazine like it was his own child while shedding tears of joy... heh, if only that old hag next door could see this.

"...So you spent three weeks on getting this?"

The teen in uniform nodded.

"Couldn't you have just asked me to buy it for you?"

"But then it wouldn't be considered my child anymore."

"...What about that magazine I bought for you last week?"

"... So anyways, part of the plan involved buying the porn in a stack of other objects to pull off attention to the porn itself. Here I bought this one for you." The uniformed teen, seeing that he was on a losing battle, straightens his back and puts the magazine away only to pull out a game package that he handed to Naruto.

"..." The blonde wordlessly took the game package and looked down at the cover. It showed a picture of a girl, surrounded by five boys, with flowers in the background. It's title "Otome Game: School Love-fest! Capture All The Boys~!" Naruto proceeded to look back up at Issei with a stoic expression as if to silently say "The hell man?"

"Yes! That's exactly the look the cashier gave me! He completely ignored everything else I bought afterwards. I said I was buying it for a friend and well... here you go!" Issei grinned and gave Naruto the good guy pose with a thumbs up and shining teeth.

A cartoonish red vein popped out of Naruto's forehead while he kept his stoic expression.

* * *

><p>The first time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was when the boy walked into his shop a week after its opening with a rubber ducky comically riding on the glowing red bump in his hair. The teen proceeded to drag himself towards one of the empty tables (nearly the whole shop was empty with one or two stragglers hanging out in the shop, watching the television and passing time with a cup of coffee). Ordering a medium pork ramen, the brunette proceeded to slouch on the table, face meeting wood.<p>

The brunette stayed like that for another two or three hours, only getting up to eat the ramen that Naruto brought, with Naruto sitting at the same table changing the channels on his television to find something fun to watch. Stopping the switch at a comedy channel, the blonde slouched into his chair as well and accompanied the brunette in silence. After a while, the boy turned his head towards the ramen chef and asked with a sullen face

"...Hey, if a man were to see a hole in a bath house wall that leads towards the women's side, it would be his duty to peep at it right?"

"Eccentric people is what makes the world go round." Let it be known that Uzumaki Naruto, under most non-life threatening circumstances, is a lousy source of knowledge to take advice from. Changing the views of a tyrannical god-complexed warlord? Why not. Changing the judgement of a man who has lost all hopes for humanity and thinks that everything will be better if he illusionize the crap out of the world? Sure. Knocking some sense into his best friend who lost his marbles somewhere between back then and then? Every other week. Cheering up a hormonal teenager who currently looks like his whole viewpoint on the world is on the line? Kurama-sama, a little help?

Thankfully, the brunette managed to draw up a conclusion to his problem. He paid Naruto for the meal and left with a wistful smile.

The second time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was when the boy dragged himself into the shop two days after the first time. He still had a comical red bump in his head as well. Ordering up a medium pork ramen again, the boy slouched at the table he sat in the last time. This time though, the brunette opened right up when Naruto accompanied him at the table. Apparently, the red bump was from a fail attempt to "slip" at a maid cafe and sneak a peek under one of the maid's miniskirt. Issei laughed at his failure and proceeded to pull out a notebook and show Naruto some perverse plans he have in store for future uses. Naruto chuckled at the teen's antics and Kurama, who was conveniently awake at the time, whispered

**"Oh gods, it's like that toad man all over again..."**

The third time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was two days after the second meeting. Issei walked into the shop without any injuries and asked Naruto if he had a Pxp game system. Naruto asked why and Issei said

"So that I can play it here, playing it at home is very nerve wrecking because mom could walk in at anytime."

By this point, Naruto knew why it was nerve wrecking if he want to play his "game" at home but he pointed out that he only had one television to hook the game system up to and it was the one in the shop. Issei, in all his gloriously stupid innocence, walked up to the straggler that seems to like to hang out in the ramen shop drinking coffee and asked if he minded if Issei played his game here.

In the end, Issei, Naruto and the straggler named Dertaerg or something (Issei and Naruto decided to call him Dert) played the dating simulation together. They managed to somehow unlocked and completed one of the secret routes that was surprisingly tear jerking and emotional. Dert left the ramen shop in tears, saying that he's off to go buy the game for himself. Issei left afterwards but not before getting a promise out of Naruto that he won't play the game while Issei isn't around. Naruto closed down the shop and started playing it anyways. Kurama helped out a bit and somehow discovered the super secret hidden easter egg for unlocking the Kitsune route. They pulled an all nighter finishing that route, it was very touching. Kurama, the previous embodiment of fear and evil, teared up a little.

Issei ended up being a regular to Naruto's ramen shack after coming at an average of three or four times a week. He always order up a medium pork ramen and asks a random goofy request. Naruto, for reasons he don't really understand, complied with most of those requests. Whether it was giving advices on perverse plans to buying a... specific game or magazine, Naruto never could've said no to his perverted friend.

_'...Friend...'_

* * *

><p>(Dert): "So what game is it this time." He takes a sip of his coffee.<p>

(Issei): "An otome game that I brought for Naruto."

(Naruto): "Oi Issei! Don't just nonchalantly make your own ramen like that, its my shop! Not a snack bar! And you, Dert! Order some ramen or something, stop drinking coffee dammit!"

(Dert): "Ohhhh, so Naruto-san's into guys huh. That explains why there's no girls in this little group."

(Issei): "Yeah, I figured that too. That's why I bought him this game."

(Naruto): "OI!"

(Issei): "Oh, Naruto's done setting up. Let's play!" He starts eating the bowl of ramen in his hand.

(Dert): "So we're playing as a female lead? What do we name her?"

(Naruto): "..." Types in a name with the controller.

(Issei): "Seriously?"

(Dert): "I wish you luck with finding a boyfriend, Uzumaki Naruko-san." Gives a two finger salute to the newly christened game character.

(Naruto): "It asks us difficulty we should pick."

(Issei): "Try the super hard mode, I wanna see what'll happen."

(Naruto): "Kay." Clicks super hard difficulty and skims over the introduction, something about High school girl making friends and finding love.

(In game): Kagemura: "Who are you and what are you doing on this campus." [Answer him truthfully] [Hit and Run] [Magic]

(Issei): "Wait, what kinda dating sim is this! It turned into a turn base RPG!"

(Dert): "This Kagemura person is obviously the offending party, you can fight back and shift the blame onto him. Try using magic."

(Naruto): "Kay." Clicks the magic option and a list shows up: [Strengthen] [Magic up] [Kamehameha] [Holy Nova] [Armageddon: Age of Absolute Disparity]

(Dert): "Hm, a versatile moveset. Issei-kun what do you think we should pick."

(Issei): "None of the above! We're trying to get a boyfriend, not a corpse!"

**(Kurama): "Psst, Naruto, there's a secret option on the lower left corner. Pick that."**

(Naruto): "..." Navigates controller towards the secret option and clicks.

(Dert): "Oh, as expected of the super gamer, to have found a secret option without even trying.

(In game): Flashes red. Kagemura: "KUH! So you have bested me. Well, it's not like I was that important anyways. I've already accomplished my job, now The Queen knows you're here. She has conquered the hearts of all the boys here already, you won't be able to beat her..."

(In game): Mission Update: Defeat The Queen and take her harem of boys as yours.

(Issei): "...Is this what's romance for girls are like? Man, I'm glad I was borne as a guy." Makes a complicated face.

-A Few Hours of Gaming Later-

(Naruto): "We're finally at the final boss"

(Issei): "How the hell did we manage to save the earth twice already and still not have reached the final boss."

(Dert): "You know what? Why's the main character fighting the enemies anyways?"

(In game): The Queen: "Welcome Hero, to my castle!" *Thunder sounds*

(Issei): "Wow, they completely forgot about the romance altogether, didn't they?"

**(Kurama): "Naruto! My gamer senses are tingling! There is a secret route incoming!"**

(In game): "But before we fight... what flavor of ice cream do you like?" *Insert flavor here*

(Issei): "...Eh?"

(Dert): "I'm getting a feeling that the main character is into coffee flavor ice cream." Sips the coffee cup which dubiously sounds like its still full.

(Naruto): "You're in a ramen shop, obviously its ramen flavored ice cream."

(Issei): "Do they even make that?"

(Naruto): "It's something I've been working on."

(Dert): "...It's surprisingly good..." Takes bite out of an blank ice cream box.

(Issei): "Wait a minute, when'd you get that?" Looks at Dert.

(Dert): "It was on the table the whole time. Didn't you get it when you made your ramen?" Looks at Issei.

(Issei): "No, I didn't even know you had that. Naruto?" Looks at Naruto.

(Naruto): "I've been playing the whole time..." Looks back at Dert and Issei.

(In game): The Queen: "Oh that was me, I got hungry while waiting for the Hero to arrive. It's surprisingly good."

(Naruto, Issei, Dert): Stares at the television.

(In game): The Queen: "Sooo, are we gonna fight or what?"

(Issei): "... Too much gaming is bad for the mind." Gets up and walks towards his school bag near the front entrance.

(Dert): "...I agree. I also need to get a fresh pot of coffee." Stands up and follow Issei.

(Naruto): "There's a new cafe down the street. I heard they had a really good parfait and red bean soup."

(Issei): "Oh, you mean the one with the cute waiters? Lets go!"

(Dert): "Guess I'll tag along."

Pan! Naruto closes the door behind him as the crew made their way to the newly opened cafe, leaving behind a really lost game.

(In game): The Queen: "Hello? Are you still there? Hellooooooo~. Please don't leave like that. At least save and turn me off. Hellooooooo~... Muuuuu." Starts pouting as she manually reaches for the save button on the screen and then turns off the television.

* * *

><p>Naruto came home to interesting news after parting with Dert and Issei.<p>

"So you're saying that you're a youkai?" He asks a one foot tall silver haired girl with metallic wings and a halo that's more like a game disc.

"Yes, I am a tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!" that you were playing earlier." The one foot tall... fairy? monster? youkai? said with pride as she sat on her knees.

"...Didn't the legend say that you're supposed to be a hundred year old?" He asks as he points at the Wikipedia page he pulled up on his phone screen.

"Ah... yes, that is a long story. Usually that is the case but my circumstances is...special." She pauses and looks at Naruto to silently ask if he wants to hear it. Seeing as he had nothing better to do, Naruto sat on one of the shop's chair and gestured the girl to continue.

"Please make yourself comfortable before I begin my story." She pauses again when Naruto slouched into his chair and pull out a box of ramen ice cream.

"You see, the game "School Love-Fest!" is a spin-off series to the original game "Love School-Fest", a popular dating simulation series. Originally, the manufacturer wanted to aim for the female side of gaming populace while still keeping some of the manliness for the main character. Due to the head programmer's addiction to the F*nal Fantasy series, he based the spin-off series off of that. For some reason, the manufacturers accepted the idea and began producing the first hundred copies." The youkai-game paused in order to prepare herself for the tragedy she'll have to relive.

"They finished the production of the first hundred batches of "School Love-Fest!" before they got the results from their free trials. The results were... less than favorable. Most reviewers left after the first ten minutes. If the game had gone out then the reviews, based off of the trial run, would've ruin the company's reputation. The project was scrapped. The one hundred copies were to be scrapped and all data of the project were to be wiped. I... was lucky to have been misplaced. Though not so lucky as to have been far away when my... siblings, were scrapped. One by one. They were thrown into the chute... Torn to pieces... Destroyed beyond all comprehension. From number one to number ninety nine... they were scrapped."

She stopped herself to take a calming breath. Naruto sat there with a straighten back, box of ramen ice cream put away in order to show respect for the seriousness. Honestly, this was not what he was expecting.

"...Being the last member of my siblings, I decided to fulfill the task that I was made for, in order to honor my sibling's memories. After such a long year, a boy finally bought me. I was finally used... and you looked pass the flaw of my programing. The three of you continued to play with me even when the others left after ten minutes. You allowed me to fulfill my purpose. I was happy...no... I was beyond happy. I fulfilled the wish to my siblings. At that moment, me and the ninety nine souls felt contentment and I, the tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!", was borne. For giving me my dearest wish, I thank you... master." The little fairy kowtowed to the blonde. She held that position for several seconds before sitting back up again. She continued to sit there with a stoic face and stared at Naruto. It took him a couple of minutes to figure out that she was waiting for his judgement.

"...Uzumaki Naruto, ramen chef extraordinaire, proud owner of Uzumaki Ramen. Stay as long as you'd like." Though it seemed redundant, he stood up a offered a hand for the small fairy to shake.

"Matsuri, tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!", proud youkai of Uzumaki Naruto. Please take care of me." She gave another low bow before taking his ring finger and middle finger into her hands and shook it.

* * *

><p>(Naruto): "Matsuri, can you carry this to table seven?" Puts a large bowl of ramen onto the counter.<p>

(Matsuri): "Of course Naruto-sama." Takes the bowl and quickly pace towards the indicated table.

(Customer): "Can I get a refill on the ramen over here!"

(Matsuri): "Of course, sir." Jots down order and passes it off to Naruto. "Naruto-sama, another large miso ramen for table five."

(Naruto): "Why's everyone eating so much! If this keeps up, there won't be enough for me anymore!" Quickly fills the ordered bowl and passes it to Matsuri. "Matsuri, close down the shop now. It's the only way to safeguard whatever ramen we have left."

(Matsuri): "It's only lunch hour Naruto-sama, the crowd will calm down soon enough. If you want, I could make some more for you after work." Smiles at Naruto before leaving to refill the some drinks and clear up the vacated tables.

(Naruto): "...Damn ungrateful customers... When I was the chef, nobody came but when Matsuri took over, everybody comes... damn source of income... stealing all my food..." Wistfully stares the large pots of ramen that only has roughly a quarter left for each flavor.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama, one large beef ramen with an extra hard boiled egg slice."

(Naruto): "...Sob."

-Later That Day-

(Issei): "Yo Naruto, can you get me a pork ramen?" Opens the front entrance and walks in. Immediately jumps to the side, narrowly missing a flying cleaver as it embeds itself into the wall that Issei had stood in front of.

(Naruto): "We're close you parricidal source of income! Get out! Leave my ramen alone!" Struggles vainly against Matsuri's armbar technique as he tries to throw another knife in his hand.

(Matsuri): "Calm down Naruto-sama! The customers are gone now. I'll make you a new batch of ramen, ok? Please calm down~!" Tries to hold Naruto back from charging at Issei.

(Issei): "...Dert, explanations?" Crawls over to and looks at Dert, who's sipping on his coffee and ignoring the drama unfolding in favor of the comedy channel on the television.

(Dert): "Hm? Oh Issei-kun, you've missed the best part. You should seen it happened when Naruto-san chased off a pair of customer with a ladle." Chuckles lowly as he looks at Naruto, who's in a fetal position now, chanting ramen and Matsuri, who's trying to get Naruto to stand up.

(Issei): "Ok I'm going to need some more details than that, old man." Sits down at the usual table.

(Dert): "Well, that little silver-headed lady over there-" Points at the Naruto/Matsuri pair "-is named Matsuri. From what I've seen from earlier at lunch, she's a new employee. Apparently she's also the new cook too."

(Issei): "How'd you figure that out?"

(Dert): "The food doesn't suck anymore. I personally ate two bowls myself."

(Issei): "Whoa, I've gotta try that. I can't believe you actually ate anything from here." Stares wide eye in disbelief at Dert. Turns back towards towards the drama pair and asks "So what happened to Naruto?"

(Dert): "Withdrawal symptoms."

(Issei): "Withdrawal symptoms?"

(Dert): "Yes. You know how his usual business goes?"

(Issei): "Three or four customers a day, including us."

(Dert): "Matsuri-san over there decupled that in an hour at lunch rush."

(Issei): "Ten times?!" Stares at Dert in amazement.

(Dert): "Yes, so you'd figure that the ramen stock would be next to nonexistent right now."

(Issei): "But what does that have to do with Naruto? Shouldn't he be glad that he got more customers?" Looks at the shivering blonde huddling in the corner of the room. Matsuri seems to have left in a hurry to do something in the kitchen.

(Dert): "...Issei-kun, do you know what Naruto-san normally does with his leftover stocks?"

(Issei): "?" Looks at Dert questionably. "Well, whenever I come by, he usually has quite a bit of stock left so doesn't he throw it out?"

(Dert): "...No, he usually eats it all. I'd know, I was invited to dinner once."

(Issei): "?!" Switches back to shocked face. "But... that's like... six pot full of ramen broth." Did some quick calculations in his head "...He eats sixty large bowls of ramen a day!?"

(Dert): "You can see why he's suffering from the withdrawal symptoms now." Stands up and walks towards the kitchen. "Come on, we should help Matsuri-san cook Naruto-san some ramen."

(Issei): "..." Silently follows the middle aged man to the kitchen where he caught glimpses of Matsuri busying herself making a bowl of ramen to ebb Naruto over. He takes one last glance in the blonde's direction and saw him returning to the fetal position in the corner. Naruto's chants for ramen was all that Issei could've heard for the next hour it took to cook the noodle broth to perfection.

* * *

><p>"Narutoooooo~. I'm boredddddd~." Issei bemoans himself as he lazily slouch onto the table.<p>

Matsuri passes by and gives him a cup of tea. He nodded his thanks before looking back at Naruto. During the pass weeks, he and Dert got to know the waitress/chef/Naruto's caretaker better. The girl seems to live with Naruto in the second story of the ramen shop and for whatever reason, seems to positively worship the blonde in all his uselessness. Normally he would be extremely jealous to see a cute girl dedicate herself to a guy like this but for some reason, he's not. Matsuri is just so much like... a bro that he can't seem to squeeze out even an ounce of jealousy against Naruto.

It's not that she's masculine or anything, in fact, he would say that she has a terrific body and dresses very cutely to fit in with her figure. A woolen sweater over a white t-shirt that emphasizes her upper body with with black yoga pants hugging her legs that are cut off by a pair of knee high boots. It's just... he can't seem to find any interest. It's just like looking at Naruto or Dert, nothing. It wasn't just him, even Matsuda and Motohama couldn't find anything with the perfectly hot female type that is Matsuri. Therefore,in all his brilliance, Issei came up with only one possible answer. Matsuri is just a bro. That is the only possible explanation. Whether this implies that Matsuri is secretly a dude or that she's just really cool with guys is up for debate. Issei is not complaining about not knowing, so is Dert. Anyways, back to the current problem.

"...Issei, I never really bothered to ask but, don't you have homework or something? You come here practically everyday and yet I never see you doing any schoolwork." Naruto paused his dating sim to approach Issei about his studies.

"Now that Naruto-san mentions it... Issei-kun, how is your schoolwork." Erg! Dert seems to also be taking an interest since Naruto stopped playing his game.

"...Uh...I...do so and so...I guess..." Suddenly he kinda wishes that Naruto would get back to his gaming... shouldn't he be working right now?

"So and so huh? Matsuri!" Naruto squints his eyes in suspicion and snaps his fingers. Matsuri immediately pulls out a piece of paper from the inside sleeve of her sweater, when'd she even get that?

"Yes, Naruto-sama. Hyoudou Issei/Sex Male/ Age 16/ Height 5'6/ Weight 61 kilogram/ Grades: Japanese (54);English (46);Social Studies (51);Mathematics (60);Science (58)/ Special Notes: Has been sent to detention on more than one occasion for being caught peeping during and before lunch break in the female dressing rooms./ Dreams and aspirations: 'I want to become a harem king!'" Matsuri dutifully reads the sheet in her hand and even went as far as to accentuate the exclamation mark at the end of 'king!'.

Issei pales the minute she got to grades and by the time she finished, he was giving her the "The hell man?" look that Naruto usually gives him. She sees the look and answered back with her "Anything for Naruto-sama." smile. Where'd she even get that kind of information? Has Naruto been stalking him the whole time? And even if he had, how'd he figure to keep that piece on him (through Matsuri) today? Has he been compromised?! Was Naruto's ramen spiked the whole time to brainwash him?!

"I (read as Matsuri) went and asked your teacher yesterday when I got curious." Naruto cuts off Issei's train of thought before he could continue. "Dert has brought it to my attention that I've been a bad influence by letting you stay here to goof off everyday." Issei's glare at Matsuri did a 180 and turned onto Dert. The middle aged man suddenly picked up an interest in Naruto's dating sim and started playing it himself while Naruto gives Issei a reproaching look.

"Well...what... about you! You're so lazy I bet you didn't do any work when you were in school either!" Trying to shift the topic, Issei moved onto Naruto's educational life. The blonde has stated outright that he's only two years older than Issei yet he's opened up the ramen shop last year. Chronologically speaking, that would suggest that Naruto dropped out of high school in order to work.

"Yes, I never did like school. That's why I worked hard to graduate at twelve." Naruto coolly replies with a completely straight face. It doesn't seem like he's lying either. Seriously?! Graduated at twelve? Wouldn't that make him some sort of super genius? Why is he working at a ramen shop then!

"Geh...Um... What about Dert over there! He never seems to be doing anything except for hanging around h-" Issei was cut off mid-tirade when Dert readily pulls out a small book from his well worn suit and opened it up to a specific page for Naruto, Matsuri and Issei to read. There was some numbers and words that Issei couldn't make sense of but Naruto seemed to understood as he looks at Dert in disbelieve.

"You make a hundred million yen a month?! Buy some ramen with some of that money then you cheepo!" What?! Dert makes what?! Seriously? Is this some joke?

"Yes this is definitely an authentic balance book from the Saaitama Resona Bank that seems to be well used. Naruto-sama uses the same bank, so I would know it's legitimacy. This does indeed prove that Dert-san makes quite a sum." Matsuri confirms Naruto's outburst after leaning forward and analyzing the book. Damn Dert and his cocky smile, how Issei wishes he could wipe it off.

"Well then, there you go Issei-kun. Good luck on your education~!" Seriously Dert, damn you.

"If you need any help, ask Matsuri. I expect you to finish all your schoolwork today or you're not going home." Damn lazy genius blonde ex-ramen chef, get back to your porn game.

"Try your best, Issei-kun." Whoa~ Matsuri~ you're such a bro~ Why can't I feel anything for you dammit!

Issei ended up having a sleepover a Naruto's house due to the fact that he was very behind on his schoolwork. Who knew the lazy blonde was so strict, geez.

* * *

><p>*Ding Dong* *Knock Knock Knock* *Patapatapatapata*<p>

(Naruto): "What the hell was that? We don't even have a doorbell!"

(Matsuri *1 foot tall youkai/fairy thing mode*): "A mailman perhaps?" Flies off the pillow next to Naruto's futon and lands on Naruto's shoulder.

(Naruto): "At three in the morning? Who'd be awake at this kind of time?!"

**(Kurama): "I am."**

(Matsuri): "! Naruto-sama, who was that?" Looks around for the source of the deep and menacing voice.

(Naruto): "Oh that's the disembodied lazy giant invisible nine tailed fox that freeloads here. Don't worry about him, he's awake like 1% of the day."

**(Kurama): "...I am not lazy, brat... It is just that our energy expenditure... exceed my own natural production capabilities... so I have a enter a meditative hibernation state in order... to mass produce as well as to conserve more energy... understood?"**

(Naruto): "...ZZZ"

(Matsuri): "Ah, sorry mister disembodied giant invisible nine tailed fox. Master fell asleep after expenditure."

**(Kurama): "...Keh! Forget the ungrateful brat... I'm going back to sleep... And just call me Kurama, puny brat."**

(Matsuri): "Yes, mister Kurama. Have a good rest."

**(Kurama): "..."**

(Naruto): "...ZZZ"

(Matsuri): "..."

**(Kurama): "...WAKE UP ALREADY!"** Sends a jolt of chakra through Naruto's nervous system, making him feel an instantaneous but unbearable pain.

(Naruto): "OUCH!" Jumps at the pain and falls on his ass. "...Huh...Where am I? What am I doing? Where's the bed." Looks around confusedly while trying to get his bearings.

(Matsuri): "You're in your room, you were answering the door and the bed is over there, Naruto-sama." Dutifully answers Naruto's questions while balancing herself on top of Naruto's shoulder as he wobbles around.

(Naruto): "Oh, right. Answering the door. That's what I was doing." Unsteadily walks towards the door and opens it. Seeing as there was no one there he made the actions to close it before Matsuri interrupts him.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama, they seemed to have left a gift for us."

(Naruto): "..." Looks down and sees an envelope taped to a package. Picks it up and closes the door. Puts the package back down near the futon. "...Hmmm, there's no billing address or return address and it doesn't have a sender either. What do you think Matsuri?"

(Matsuri): "I'm not sure Naruto-sama but why don't we have a look at the letter first. Perhaps that will give us more insight on the matter."

(Naruto): "Right." Picks up the envelope and opens it. Inside was a three page letter that was stapled together. The first page's top right corner had the words "For the eyes of Uzumaki Naruto only" and some kind of scrawl. "Well, I guess this is for us then." Continues to read the letter.

(Letter)

_Dear Naruto Uzumaki-sama_

_'Congratulations on obtaining a youkai family member! Our organization was very happy to discover that the newest youkai member to be born to our race already found herself a loving family. It was a very big surprise to find out that the newest member is a tsukumogami no less. You are a very fortunate man Uzumaki-sama as the tsukumogami types are a rather useful race in normal urban life. Not only do they have a natural infinity for illusion magic, they are also known for being extremely loyal and are semi-divine bringers of good fortunes._

_There are three things we must warn you about having a youkai family member though. The first warning is that you must not, under any circumstances, divulge the fact that your newest family member is a youkai to any party that are not affiliated with the supernatural side of this world. There is an obvious reason for this but in case you need an example, please remember the salem witch trials. That is one of the greater known cases in which the humans and youkais... met._

_The second warning is that we ask you to not abuse your tsukumogami's powers to your own cause. There has been many times since this organization's founding where we had to personally involve ourselves into other youkai owning families. None of those cases ended very prettily. Please do not make use of your tsukumogami's loyalty to do something she would regret._

_The third warning is that there are lurkers out there who will want to separate you from your family member. Though this is an uncommon occurrence, our organization would still like to take precautions. Inside the box that is to come with this letter is a stack of high class Kekkai seals made by the greatest seal masters. Please follow our instructions in the next page in order to set the protection and evil warding seals._

_Congratulations on your new youkai family member! Please live a long and happy life._

_Sincerely, Co-leader of the Japanese Youkai Force, Kyuubi no Yasaka.'_

(Naruto): Looks through the other two pages to see that it was instructions on how to set up the barrier seals the letter talked about. "...You know, I should be very surprise right now but I'm not feeling it. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'll worry bout this tomorrow, good night Matsuri." Tosses the letter onto the box and crawls back into the futon. Turns off the lights and falls back to sleep.

(Matsuri): "Yes, good night Naruto-sama." Flies back to the pillow settled besides Naruto's futon and drifts off to sleep as well.

-The next morning-

(Matsuri *Full size human form*): "Naruto-sama, wake up. It's time to open the shop, Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "...Urg, I don't wanna work t'day. Let's jus close the shop. We needa set up those barrier seals anyways right?" Pulls up his blanket to cover his head and huddles up into his pillow.

(Matsuri): "Very well Naruto-sama." Goes downstairs to leave the 'close today' sign in the front entrance. Walks back upstairs and kneels before the sleeping Naruto.

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stares

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stareeeeees

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

(Naruto): "Alright! I'm awake already! Stop staring!" Throws off the blanket and stands up before walking to the bathroom, trying to get away from Matsuri's stare.

(Matsuri): "...Good morning Naruto-sama." Smiles.

-Later-

(Naruto): "So what was I going to do again?"

(Matsuri): "You had plans on layering the house with the protective barrier seals Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "Right, that." Opens the box. "...What is this?" Pulls out a package of flour.

(Matsuri): "Salt, beef, pork, flour, eggs and other ingredients... I think this is the necessities to making ramen from scratch." Reaches in and pulls out another letter. "There's another letter addressed to you Naruto-sama." Hands Naruto the letter.

(Naruto): "...Lets read it then."

(Letter)

_P.S. My scouts, whom I have sent to check up on you and your new family member at random intervals, have also told me some grievous news. Since_ _tsukumogami-san appearance, it seems that your shop has experienced an influx of customers due to __tsukumogami-san's takeover as the chef. The scouts also held a random survey with the customers of the shop. It seems that the "new chef" is more preferred to than the old one. As a fellow cook and head of my family, I know how dishonorable it feels to be shown up by a new upstart but not being able to do anything about it. Therefore I have devised a plan to help you improve. Within this letter is the super secret Kyuubi ramen recipe that has been in my family for countless generations. I trust that you will use it well.  
><em>

_Good luck, Uzumaki Naruto. _

_Sincerely, Co-leader of the Japanese Youkai Force, Kyuubi no Yasaka._

_P.P.S. I don't think you sucked as much ass as my scout have reported from their surveys. Please keep on preserving!'_

(Naruto): "... Matsuri, open the kitchen."

(Matsuri): "Aren't we closed today Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "No, I have to show up those ungrateful bastards I call customers." Ignites flames of youth in his eyes.

* * *

><p>Ding Dong Ding Dong<p>

"Matsuda! Motohama! Don't leave me!" Issei screams and reaches out to grabs his two friends by their ankles before they could get too far away. Matsuda and Motohama, not expecting Issei's rise to drag them to hell as well, tripped when Issei managed to hold them back.

"Issei you bastard! Let go and take one for the team!" Matsuda in all his bald glory, attempts to kick away Issei's hand even as he falls. It didn't accomplished much besides making Issei hold onto their ankle even tighter.

"Issei! Hurry and let go! They'll be here any moment!" Motohama struggles against Issei's clutch as the boy slowly pulls him and Matsuda back to where they tripped him.

"Kukukuku, consider this karma my friends! If I go down, we all go down!" Issei laughs maniacally as he holds tightly onto the ankles of his two perverted bastard friends.

"Their they are! Get them girls!" A group of angry girls rounded the corner to see the three perverts that they caught peeping on them. Justifiably angered, they chased down the perverts for being perverts and proceeded to stomping the ever loving lights out of the miscreants.

"NOOO! NOT THE FACE! NOOO! OUCH! UGH! OUCH! NOOO! NOT DOWN THERE! AHHHH!" Matsuda and Motohama screams out loud while Issei takes on his punishment laughing like a maniac.

"KAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-Issei's class-

RINGGGGGGGGGG

"Safe!" Issei jumps through the door of his classroom and rushes towards his seat. He unceremoniously toss the two beaten corpses on his shoulder into the general direction of their seat. Now they can't say that he didn't care. After all, it was thanks to their sacrifice in easing the mob girls' anger that Issei himself escaped relatively unharmed. It might've also had something to do with the fact that he was laughing like a crazy hyena while the girls were stomping them, whichever worked. Sliding straight into his chair, he managed to pull off the same sitting positions as the rest of his classmates (sans Matsuda and Motohama who are laying sprawl out on their desks, Matsuda in particular has his face on his chair and his ass sticking straight up) just as the teacher walks in.

It is currently the period after lunch so Issei had expected the strict yet friendly Toshio-sensei to come and teach math. However, instead of the usual balding fifty year old man coming in with his little packets of worksheet, a beautiful blonde woman came walking in instead. She had on a tight fitting suit on with an equally tight fitting skirt covering dark brown stockings. Her golden blonde hair was put into a bun and she exuded a very mature aura. Normally, Matsuda, Motohama and Issei would definitely jump up and shouted out "SEXY TEACHER!" while the class would either look at them in disgust or outright ignore them.

This did not happen however as both Matsuda and Motohama are both out of action while Issei realized a very, very scary thing when the "sexy teacher" walked in and flashed him an almost unnoticeable glance and a knowing smirk. That "sexy teacher" is his friend. That "sexy teacher" is his friend whom he meets almost everyday for the past year. That "sexy teacher" is his extremely lazy and ramen addicted friend whom he knows does not have any cross-dressing hobbies. That "sexy teacher" was Naruto.

So there Issei sits, elbows propped on the table with his face leaning forward while being held back by his clasped hands. He twists his face with absolute concentration as he tries to make sense of the situation. Why is Uzumaki Naruto (a guy) dressed as a (hot) teacher and in his class? Where is Toshio-sensei? And worse off, why the hell is he feeling a thing for Naruto?!

Naruto walks up to the teacher's desk and puts a stack of papers on it before picking a piece of chalk and started writing something on the blackboard.

No, that's probably not Naruto. She looks a lot like Naruto but that's it. Naruto doesn't exude that kind of mature and teacher-like aura. He exudes lethargy. That teacher person is probably a substitute for Toshio-sensei. Toshio-sensei did say his wife is pregnant, he's probably off because of that. Yeah, this teacher is probably the substitute for Toshio-sensei. Wasn't there a legend that says everyone got someone else who look like them in this world? What was that called? A duble ganger? Double gang? No wait... it was doppelganger. Yeah. That lady is probably Naruto's doppelganger. Lucky, bastard. To have such a hot doppelganger. Oh? She's saying something, better start listening.

"Hello class! Your teacher, Toshio-sensei, received an urgent call this afternoon informing him that his wife is in the emergency maternity ward. He rushed off after informing the principle but since there was no readily available substitutes, I who happened to have passed by, was asked to fill in. You may call me Naruko-sensei, treat me well for today, ne?" The blonde gave a cutesy smile, tilting her head and _sparkles._

Issei's head slammed into his table. It started raining outside as "Naruko-sensei" began the lessons that Toshio-sensei prepared before he left. Issei spent the class period staring out at the raining sky, devolving his minds of his surrounding and the strange situation. Matsuda and Motohama didn't wake up until class ended. Closely missing "Naruko-sensei's" leave.

* * *

><p>It was pouring loudly outside. By the time school had ended, the weather took a turn for the worse and poured everything it had onto the ground. From what Issei can see, it was flooding a little too. The students with umbrellas banded together and ran towards their house as quickly as they could before it could flood more. Matsuda and Motohama disappeared after class ended and Issei discovered that his umbrella was mysteriously missing. He takes one more look at the weather and sighs to himself.<p>

(Issei): "...Some friends those bastards are."

(Woman's voice): "No kidding, I saw them running out of school using your umbrella."

Issei didn't need to turn around to know who was walking up on him. After all the owner of that same tone was the topic of his thoughts for most of the remaining school period. It also helped that there was students loudly waving their goodbyes to the (fake) teacher.

(Issei): "...Don't you have a ramen shop to run?" Takes a sit on the stair's step after figuring he might as well wait out the rain rather than getting wet.

(Naruto): "Matsuri can take care of herself." Sits down next to Issei, still in the "sexy teacher" mode.

(Issei): "...What are even doing here, in that?" Gives Naruto a sidelong glance.

(Naruto): "I came to give the school report that Matsuri borrowed earlier back. I thought you might've like it if I was a hot chick." Smirks at Issei as she caught his sidelong glance.

Now that he looks up close, Issei has to admit that Naruto is doing an amazing job of crossdressing. Honestly, his body actually looks natural in what he's wearing. Normal crossdressers goes for the conservative but overall cutely dressed style, kinda like Matsuri (not that he knew if she was a chick or not, she still confuses him with her bro-aura) but Naruto jumped right pass that. From just what Issei could see and analyze of Naruto's body, he'd say that Naruto really was a chick. But he knew better.

(Issei): "You look good, how'd you manage it?"

(Naruto): "Aww, I didn't know you were such a charmer. But of course I'd look good. I've been practicing my technique since twelve afterall."

(Issei): "...Since the time you finished school? What'd you want to be?"

(Naruto): "...A ninja."

(Issei): "...You have a strange preconception of ninjas."

(Naruto): "Mmmhmm, maybe it's the world that has the strange preconception of what ninjas are."

Issei decided that he wasn't feeling like emerging himself in Naruto's strangeness so he let the conversation hang off. They both stare at the rain in silence. Naruto began turning his head and looking around. It's not like there's anything to see, just lockers and stragglers who didn't bring their umbrellas.

(Naruto): "...So you wanna show this beautiful teacher around?"

(Issei): "...If you'd look to your back you'd see our school's proud shoe locker area. It is seperated by names and years. 1st year is towards the right and 3rd year is towards the left. Since it's raining, we'll end our tour here, thank you and please come again."

(Naruto): "What a wonderful culture this school has."

Issei ignores Naruto's deadpan and kept looking at the rain. Usually at this time, they'd both be at the ramen shop with Dert and Matsuri. Naruto would be playing some old dating sim that Issei brought a few weeks ago and Dert would be sitting right next to him, giving bad advices and sipping coffee. Issei would probably be chowing down on a bowl of medium pork ramen while looking at his homework. Matsuri would be sweeping the shop or helping Issei, maybe occasionally bringing Naruto a cup of tea. That kind of lazy atmosphere is now so embedded into Issei that he honestly couldn't bring any energy towards the strangely dress Naruto at this time frame. Naruto's probably feeling the same as they sat in silence.

(Issei): "So how'd it feel being back in school again?"

(Naruto): "As boring as it was the first time around. I'd honestly think it would've gotten... better?"

(Issei): "It didn't?"

(Naruto): "It didn't."

(Issei): "..."

(Naruto): "..."

The rain continued to pour. Some time passed before either of the two moved again. Naruto stood up and patted the dust off of his skirt before turning towards Issei and saying.

(Naruto): "Well this has been fun and all but I'm going home."

(Issei): "...Eh?"

Naruto proceeded to pick up the folded umbrella that was next to where he was sitting before he opened it. As strange as it was that Issei didn't notice the water evading tool earlier, he found it stranger that the umbrella is big enough to fit two people. The blonde walked down the steps and stopped just before entering the rain. He once more turns around to look up at Issei and asks

(Naruto): "You coming?"

Issei didn't say anything as he walks under the umbrella Naruto held. Honestly, he got nothing to respnd to the blonde's strangeness. All he could say was that it was Naruto being Naruto. there was really no point in Issei trying to figure out his friend's strange train of thought.

As they passed the school gates, Issei sees Matsuda and Motohama returning with their own umbrella while Motohama holds Issei's stolen umbrella in his other hand. If he had to venture guessing, he'd probably bet that the two feel bad for ditching Issei and returned to help their friend out. The two seemed to notice Issei as well... under the umbrella of Naruto... who's smiling extra cutely while making small talk with Issei. They passed each other without acknowledging the other's existence. Issei because he's too lazy and Matsuda and Motohama because they're too shock that Issei's sharing an umbrella with the rumored "sexy teacher".

Once they were far enough, Naruto returned to being the lazy man that he is and Issei caught on.

(Issei): "...That was a horrible prank."

(Naruto): "Your friends were lousier than I anticipated."

(Issei): "...You owe me a free medium pork ramen."

(Naruto): "Take that up with Matsuri, now hurry up. I want to finish that other route I started on yesterday."

The two quickly walked to the ramen shop in silence, with the rain accompanying them.

* * *

><p>AN<p>

Idiot #1: Please don't sue us! We don't own anything!

Idiot #2: Wait you're supposed to say we don't own anything first. Otherwise we'd be enticing them to sue us anyways.

Idiot #3: Thank you for reading "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". This project was made from a collaboration between three idiots who should be working to improve their failing grades in English class instead.

Idiot #1: Wait you guys are failing? I'm passing that class with a solid B.

Idiot #2: So am I...

Idiot #3: So I'm the only one failing?! Where's the backspace button? There's no backspace button!

Idiot #1: Kukukuku it took you long enough to realize it Idiot #3. That's right! I planned it all! I broke the backspace key and told you that we were all failing so that you'd admit to failing English! Now the internet knows that you're an idiot! Muahahahaha!

Idiot #2: But...this is your laptop #1.

Idiot #1: *shocked face*

Idiot #3: ...Idiot.

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	2. Kitsune special ramen

"Da-Tte-Ball-YOOOOOOOOOO!" Twisting every joint in his body to aim as much force as a human body can produce towards one direction, Naruto gathered the stored force towards his arms, then his wrist, then his hands and then finally his fingers. The force of all the bones in a human's body saved in one object and thrown at breakneck speed combined with perfect timing and execution.

This was one of Naruto's special baseball throwing technique "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash".

_"Whoosh!"_

_'It was perfectly executed.'_ Naruto grins at himself at he watch the ball seemingly disappear from his hands, make a swishing sound, then impacted Issei, who was the catcher, and threw the boy a good meter backwards. The kid didn't even know what had hit him. Even Dert, who was the batter, widened his eyes in surprise by the ball's speed.

Standing up straight while cracking his neck to add effects, he held out another baseball towards Dert's and Issei's direction. He smirked at the pair's surprised face (well, mostly Dert's surprise face... Issei's still eating dirt from the last Datte-Ball-Yo) and coolly says

"Ready to lose, dear customers?"

Dert collects himself and squints his eye at Naruto. He returns Naruto's smirk with his own predatory grin while stating

"Bring it, crappy chef."

Issei, who's still down, groaned in agony as he felt his left hand twist at an odd angle.

-Earlier-

"Ok, add the powder just as it turns to 384 degrees and begin quickly stirring... afterwards, throw in the gensing sung and let it boil for approximately .02 milliseconds... and add the deep fried boiled hellion lizard newt..." Naruto mumbles to himself as he slaves over his witches' cauldron. He has locked himself into the shop's kitchen for more then eight hours now and has forbidden anyone, including Matsuri, from coming in.

"Soon... soon I will defeat Matsuri and reclaim my rightful place. KUKUKUKUKU..." He chuckles to himself as he added more ingredients to his concoction.

Matsuri felt another prickle of worry as she hears the latest bouts of giggles coming from her master. The silver haired girl paces herself back and forth in front of the kitchen door as she intently tries to pick up any noise that implies that her master is in trouble. If she sense even the slightest hint of trouble, she intends to charge in and savage the blonde immediately. So far, the only thing she has heard was the sound of crackling fire and occasional burst of maniacal laughter coming from her charge.

"...Matsuri, just calm down. You don't have to worry about him, he's just doing his usual thing." Issei looks up from the newest dating sim he bought and was now playing.

"Ah, but that's exactly the problem Issei-kun. Naruto-san is too active in doing his usual thing." Dert sips his coffee while reading his newspaper. "According to Matsuri-san, he's been coup up in that kitchen for eight hours straight."

"Eight hours?! That's the longest I've ever seen him concentrate on... anything... ever." Turns his dumbfounded gaze back towards the still pacing Matsuri. "Hey Matsuri, what the heck is he working on in there?"

"I honestly don't know Issei-kun. Whatever it is, I'm worried.I have never seen Naruto-sama being so... youthful, before." Matsuri stops her stride to answer Issei before taking up the motion once again. If Naruto doesn't come out soon, there'll be a new ditch in front of the kitchen.

Issei and Dert nodded their heads in mutual consent to Matsuri's analysis of the blonde ramen chef. He was a lazy idiot. That was literally the best way to describe him. Suddenly showing a will and concentrating on something important just... isn't Naruto.

Suddenly, Matsuri takes a step back and appears beside Issei's and Dert's table. The kitchen door slammed open and malicious howls and groans started resounding throughout the ramen shop. A red fog slowly oozes itself out of the kitchen and surrounded Issei and the crew. Issei puts down his game controller and instinctively readies himself to make flight towards the front entrance. Dert puts down his newspaper and takes a sip of his coffee, eyes squinted in all intent to glare down whatever will come. Matsuri is doing... nothing. She stares confusedly at the kitchen entrance and asked

"Naruto-sama, did you mess up the shrimp fish spice with the red fog powder mix?"

The slow moving fog stilled and then retreated, like it knew it was beaten at its own game. The moans and groans that were resounding through the wall stopped as well after a mechanical "click" sound was made. Naruto walked out of the kitchen with two menus in hand and made headway towards where Issei and Dert was sitting. Naruto had a refreshing atmosphere around him and slightly contagious smile on his face. The air around him sparkles disarmingly, like it was trying to lure everyone into relaxing. Issei and Dert didn't lower their guard.

Naruto stopped at the table, his smile becoming 50% more refreshing and innocent. Issei made to bolt out of his chair but Naruto snapped his fingers and suddenly a force was exerted on Issei's shoulder that coerced him to sit back down. He turned in his chair and saw that Matsuri was holding him down by the shoulder while giving him her "Anything for Naruto-sama." smile. Dert, who already knew that he was cornered, intensified his untrusting glare, hoping against hope that it would at least kill the blonde's plan, whatever it is.

"...So, my dear customer, would you like to try the newest special ramen of Uzumaki's Ramen?" His smile intensified even more, if that was possible, and the only thing that held Issei and Dert back from listening to the blonde's deeply hypnotic words were their knowledge. The knowledge that screamed "THAT IS NOT UZUMAKI NARUTO! RETREAT! I REPEAT, RETREAT!" Managing to hold their own fronts in the face of what seems to be Naruto's serious mode for a full two minutes, Issei and Dert broke down and looked at the opened menu before them.

The menu page was blanked with only one item fitted in the very center. In fancy golden embroidered lettering was the words **"Uzumaki Ramen: Kitsune Special"**. For some unexplained reasoning, Issei's and Dert's spine tingled as the danger seemed to increased exponentially after reading it. Naruto leaned forward and clasped both their shoulders.

"Well? How about it you two?" The torrent of sparkles he unleashed upon them was physically painful. Issie could do nothing but tremble in fear while Dert, bless that man's brave soul, said

"Ah Naruto-san, I would love to but unfortunately I'm not too hungry right now."

"Is that so? Well that's fine, how bout you _Issei_?" Damn you Dert, damn you for ditching Naruto onto me.

"I...uh...um...I'm...not hungry?" Was all Issei manage to squeak out in the face of Serious Uzumaki Naruto.

"Is that so, then why don't we play a game to boost your appetite." His charming smile turned into malevolent smirk as he redirects the sparkles back at both his customers, how the heck did he learn _Sparkle-bending_?! "If you win, I'll treat you to Matsuri's special ramen for lunch. If I win, you guys have to try out the special ramen that I made. Do you want to play?"

_'Oh god my eyes! The sparkles! It's trying to kill us! I Can't breath! Vision...getting...darker...good bye, cruel world.' -Sign Hyoudou Issei_

"You put us in a rough spot Naruto-san. How about this, if we win any random games with two out of three times ratio, we get free ramen cooked by Matsuri-san for a week. However, if you win, we'll agree to be your lab rats." Dert sees Issei's soul attempting to leave its body and made to negotiate some better conditions.

Naruto's grin lessened greatly in destructibility and he pulled back his aura-sparkles. He nods to Dert's attempt at compromising and snaps his fingers at Matsuri, who's somehow found a way to grab onto Issei's departing soul and push it back into the boy's body. Once the girl was sure that the boy was still in the land of the living, she reached under the table and pulled out a drawing box.

"In this box is fifty random games and sports ranging from rock-paper-scissor to ferret legging. Seeing as I'm the challenger, I will let you and Issei take turns drawing from the drawing box. Each game and sport has been modified by Matsuri to the best of her ability to fit doubles team matches. Since Issei is still resurrecting from the clutches of death, why don't you take the first draw, Dert." Naruto explains while keeping that refreshing yet extremely creepy smile of his.

"...Seems like you planned this thoroughly Naruto-san." Slightly grimaces as he puts his hands into the box. He pulled out a piece of paper that read "Baseball".

* * *

><p>Uzumaki Baseball<p>

*The group is split into two teams one team will the batter and ball catcher while the other will be the pitcher and the out fielder. Each team will change positions every time a score is made.

*The pitcher will pitch the ball and the batter is to hit the ball. If the batter misses three pitch, then it's a point for the pitcher's team. If the batter hits and the outfielder does not manage to catch the ball before it hits the ground, it's the batter's point.

*The conditions for the ball being valid after getting hit by the batter is that it must

1) Be striked within a 45 degree angle field from the batter.

2) Ball must make it past the pitcher's circumference (approximately 60 feet).

*Possible points accordance to the batter is

1) If the ball does manage to be sent back at the pitcher and knocks the pitcher off his mound.

*The first team to make it to ten points is the victor.

*Uzumaki Baseball is a fanmade parody of regular baseball. If it pisses anyone off, sue Musashi Kishimoto, he create the Uzumaki in Uzumaki Baseball.

* * *

><p>3-2 NarutoMatsuri leads

(Naruto): "Yeah Matsuri! Knock the hell out of Issei's wimpy balls!"

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama!" Takes up the batter position.

(Issei): "Oi! Don't make it sound so dirty dammit!" Stomps his feet on top of the pitcher's mound.

(Dert): "Concentrate Issei-kun. We are up against a opponent that should've never existed (Serious Naruto). He will do anything to make us lose so that he can have his way with us."

(Issei): "Now you're doing it! Ugh, whatever. Take this! Hyoudou Spin Ball!" Throws the baseball at a fast pace at Matsuri.

(Matsuri): Widens eyes "But that's a fastball, Issei-kun!" Strikes the ball in a textbook perfect homerun.

(Naruto): "Kukukuku, your dirty tricks won't fool _my precious_ Matsuri-chan. Kukukuku..." Gets up and licks Masuri's cheek.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama?!"

(Issei): "Seriously! What's wrong with you today! Give back the old Naruto!"

(Dert): "TOH!" Runs energetically towards the end of the ball's parabola and dramatically jumps. His posture would've made even pro baseball players jealous. Catching the ball and effectively killing the momentum with a few rolls, he stood up. Nods proudly to himself and looks back at the bickering fools that're ignoring him. Chucks the baseball at the nearest fool (Issei).

5-4 Issei/Dert leads

(Naruto): "Che! It looks like Dert has gotten used to my "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash". I must use the next of my super baseball throw series, Matsuri towards the left!" Takes up a strange stance with his throwing arm completely outwards.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama!"

(Dert): "Hoh? It looks like Naruto-san still has a hidden ace left. I wonder what it is, this is starting to become fun~"

(Issei): "No it isn't! Have you ever caught one of his balls? It hurts dammit!"

(Naruto): "Take this! Datte-Ball-Yo: Rasengan!"

(Dert): "?... Is this some sort of trickery? SUCH A SLOW SPIN BALL SHALL NOT SURPASS ME!" Strikes the ball with all his strength into the right side of Naruto.

(Naruto): Grins "Boom."

(Dert): "?!" The baseball bat in his hand starts bending at an odd angle while he strikes it against the ball. He tried holding it still and pushing it back against the ball's pressurized spinning motion but the bat couldn't take it. Finally the bat gave in and exploded The ball flies off towards where Matsuri had settled herself, due to Naruto's earlier recommendation.

(Issei): "GARG! It's in my eyes! There's splinters in my eyes!" Rolls around on the ground.

(Dert): Glares down Naruto.

(Naruto): Smirks at Dert.

9-9 Tied game, Dert batting: last strike.

(Naruto): "You've been a great thorn in my way Dert, but this is it. Even if you have figured out a counter to my "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash" and "Datte-Ball-Yo: Rasengan", I still have one hidden trump card. My original Datte-Ball-Yo technique." Puts his hands into a cross "t" symbol with the ball at the center.

(Dert): "A worthy challenge. I accept, come at me with your full strength Uzumaki Naruto!" Aims the bat at Naruto before getting into a batter position.

(Issei): "There's more!? What kinda ramen chef are you! Go join the frieking baseball league!"

(Naruto): Takes a deep breath. "TOH!" Throws his baseball.

(Dert): Narrows his eyes to analyze the ball. "Speed: extremely fast... Spin:None... Tricks: None... What is Naruto-san planning?" Swings his bat in timing with the predicted projectile of the ball thrown.

(Naruto): "Datte-Ball-yo: Kage Bushin no Baseball"

(Dert): Widens his eyes in surprise as he catches the shadow of nine other balls following the path behind the first ball. Because the swing was already made he manages to hit the first ball but completely miss the other nine which resulted in Issei getting swamped by baseballs going at 60mph. Lowers his bat and and pushes up his eyeglass so that it catches the sun's ray and cover his eyes "...I see. The rules never said the pitcher can only pitch one ball, just that the batter has to hit the pitcher's pitches. Well played Naruto-san."

(Naruto): "Good game Dert, you were a great challenge." Reaches out his hand to shake.

(Issei): "...Urg..." Lays on Matsuri's lap in the background as Dert and Naruto did their manly bonding thing. _'Matsuri's such a bro...dammit.'_

(Matsuri): Pats Issei's head to keep his mind off of the pain. She's well aware of Issei's predicament with his inability to feel anything for her. After all, she was the one to cast the illusion of "Bro-ness" onto Issei's perception of sexuality towards her. Why Naruto-sama ordered her to do it, she had no idea.

* * *

><p>Paper Rock Scissor<p>

*Honestly if you don't know this, you should be learning what it is instead of reading this.

*Also, search up the ultimate rock paper scissors chart. now multiply that by forty.

* * *

><p>"Paper rock scissor shoot!" The group flashed their chosen hand forward.<p>

Naruto used Pure White Sun.

Matsuri had Cybernetic Robot Woman.

Issei flashed the Devil To Be.

Dert got the Nuke In Disguise.

"...So who won?" Issei asked out loud. Honestly, he was glad that they were playing something normal after his many experiences with death. The problem is... he has no idea what he's playing.

"According to this chart..." Naruto studies a strange rock-paper-scissors chart he got online. He turned it a few times as if trying to makes sense of it before declaring. "...Issei won... I think."

"Wait I thought... Yeah... It kind of looks like Issei-kun won... Maybe... Sort of." Dert looks at the chart as well and also flipped it a few times. He ended up agreeing with Naruto.

"Oh, cool. I won. Matsuri, what's the next game?" Issei asks the girl who was sadly looking at her Cybernetic Robot Woman sign. He must have startled her because she quickly hid her Cybernetic Robot Woman behind her back and gave Issei a startled look before she processed his question.

"Ah...um... Since you picked from the drawing box the last time. Dert-san needs to pick the next challenge. Currently, the match is tied at one to one. Whoever wins the next game will be the overall winner."

"Okay then, lady luck give this old man a good chance!" Dert prays aloud as he sticks his hand into the box and pulls out a piece of paper that reads "1st person shooter".

_(AN: Me and Idiot#3 did not have any part writing this! This section was all #2's lame ass idea. If you think it sucks. Blame him!)_

* * *

><p>Uzumaki First Person Shooter<p>

*Like any other first person shooter game.

*Try playing Call of Duty or something.

* * *

><p>"Ah, I just noticed something." Naruto pipes in after Matsuri finishes explaining the rules of the game.<p>

"What is it?" Issei asks.

"We don't have any first person shooter game... actually, we don't have any action specific games either. The closest one we have is "School Love-Fest!" and Issei bought that on a whim." Matsuri jolted a little in the background but only Naruto noticed. He patted her on the shoulder and gave a sidelong glance. She seemed to have understood the gesture as she returned it with a nod.

"Ah, you're right. I guess I really only bring dating sim games here huh?" Issei strokes his imaginary mustache as he looks in a far off distance (the furthermost wall).

"So what do we do now?" Dert asks as he looked at the remains of the drawing box Naruto happily threw into the stove so as the loser won't call for a rematch.

"Should we go outside again and buy a shooter game?" Issei asks while looking at Naruto who was slouched on a chair.

"Eh? I don't want to~. We just got back, I don't wanna go outside again~!" Yup, regular Naruto is back.

"Well, it is getting late. I think I should go prepare dinner now." Matsuri looks at the clock on the wall and saw that it was reaching five in the evening. She gets up from her chair and walks towards the kitchen. She paused at the kitchen entrance to turn back and ask "Dert-san, Issei-kun would you like to join us for dinner?"

"Gurrrrrrgleeeee" Before either Dert or Issei could answer, Issei's stomach declared it's emptiness and made Issei blushed. He demurely nods his head at the silverette's suggestion. He took a seat with Naruto at the table while the blonde reached to turn on the game system in front of him. _'Maybe playing baseball took more out of me then I thought...'_

"As long as it's not ramen, I'm fine with staying." Dert sits at the table as well and sips his coffee.

Matsuri nodded and said to Dert "I'm thinking of preparing a hotpot. Would that work Dert-san? Issei-kun?"

"Yes please/ Sure!" Was the reply she got. She smiled and walked into the kitchen to prepare the ingredients for the pot.

"""...""" Some time passed by silently as the the group lazy about. Issei lounged in his chair as he droopingly watch Naruto finish a tsundere route, the blonde was lousy at it. Dert sat opposite of Issei and gave his additionally shoddy advice for how to handle the tsundere. Naruto had his full attention on the screen and Kurama (unknown to others except for Naruto) complains about the stupidly bizarre behavior of the female genotype. The sound of sizzling food and bowls being moved echoed mutely throughout the room.

"Sooo... what was the new special you were forcing onto us anyways?" Issei tries to break the comfortable silence with the question that's been nagging on his mind.

"...It's a new recipe a friend of mine gave me. It's constitution is a little strange but it tastes pretty good." The blonde answers without taking his attention off of the game.

"It took you eight hours to make it?" Dert asks while sipping his coffee. He raised an eyebrow at the ridiculousness of the idea.

"...I wanted it to be perfect for you guys." Naruto...pouted?

"Oi... are you actually pouting?" Issei asks his strange friend.

"Hmph, of course not! It's not like I wanted you guys to enjoy something I cooked or anything foolish like that." Yup, Naruto's definitely pouting.

"Naruto-san, at least use a line from the game script that fits your character." Dert... sips his coffee.

"...Seriously? You couldn't have just asked us to try it?" Issei puts his head on his left hand and leans onto it.

"I did ask." The blonde simply replied.

"BULLSHIT! I nearly crossed the Sanzu River when you 'asked' that!" Issei yelled as he remembered his earlier near death experience.

"I have to agree with Issei-kun, you looked more like you were hiding a thinly veiled threat. No, not a threat, you killed Issei-kun anyways." Dert backs Issei up.

Naruto paused his game and looked at the pair in earnest confusion. "I was trying to show my innocence, didn't they say the best way to show it is with a sincere smile?"

"Naruto-san... you really didn't plan this script out too well did you? you had a box full of games ready and you seemed very eager to lead us towards that path. Though this half-baked plan may fool Issei, I am much more competent to realizing your lies." Dert boasted as he sits straight up. He seemed confident nothing can fool him. Guess his jobs must make him very adept in spotting lies and neutralizing it.

"Oi! What's that supposed to mean?!"Issei complains, but really, he wonderfully fell for Naruto's acting.

"...Che. Found out already." Naruto dropped the look of innocent confusion and went back to droopy lazy look he prefers.

"...So it was a trick after all." Issei sighs to himself as he gave the blonde a halfhearted glare before slumping back to the cool wood of the table.

The silence returned and persisted. Dert went and helped Matsuri prepare the dishes and utensils for dinner. Issei continued to slouch about, though not out of the usual laziness but out of the sheer exhaustion that's finally caught up with him from earlier. He honestly have to hold Naruto and Dert in a better opinion. The two don't show any sign of the fatigue Issei's feeling even though they were the most active player.

"Issei-kun, can you help me with turning on the portable stove? I'm bringing the hotpot out." Matsuri calls out from the kitchen. Issei complied and took a few attempts to turn on the aged burner. The pot that Matsuri carried out was massive. Three foot wide and two foot deep, the pot of broth was undeniably huge. Dert came out behind Matsuri carrying the dishes for the hotpot. Beef, pork, shrimp, fish, egg, noodles, assorted vegetables and even some drinks. The middle age man carried the six extra large dishes, the bowl of eggs and the four glasses of juice like a pro-waiter. In the corner of his vision, Issei saw Naruto turning off the game system and switching to a random game show channel.

Once everything was set up and everybody settled in, they clapped their hands in unison and said "Itadakimasu". They then each started dipping what they wanted into the pot. Issei went straight for the fattest piece of beef he saw. Dert got a ladle and started spooning broth into his bowl which was filled with noodles. Naruto was boiling two eggs within the pot with one hand while using the other to eat the food that Matsuri cooked for him. Matsuri professionally picked out perfect portions of vegetables and meat to cook for both herself and for Naruto. The four continued to eat in relative silence which was only broken by some small talk, a few old people joke from Dert and the sound of the television in the background.

They finished eating, cleaned up the tables and washed the dishes by around eight o'clock. Dert was the first to leave the shop as he joked about not being as young as he was before. Issei left afterwards when he remembers that he didn't finish his weekend homework. Matsuri went upstairs to prepare the futon for sleep. She, like Issei, couldn't exactly keep up with the energetic Naruto and Dert and tuckered herself with the ball game from that afternoon.

Naruto sat at the table playing a game for another hour to both entertain and accompany Kurama before the fox enters hibernation again. According to the fox, the world was finally starting to accept them as an inhabitant. This gave Kurama a longer waking period as the energy it takes to maintain their existence lessens. This didn't make Naruto worry any less for his friend. He had first hand experience with the energy output that the fox was capable of. To see Kurama struggle for so long hurts. Especially when Naruto cannot do anything about it. Therefore the blonde did the next best thing. He entertained the fox in every one of its waking moment. It was all he could do to thank Kurama for helping him so much. If Kurama can now stay awake for a measly nine hours out of a week then Naruto was going to give him everything that's worth that nine hours.

The blonde ramen shop owner smiled to himself as he heard the fox drift back into hibernation after a fun day of sports, food and gaming. He turned off his game system and walked upstairs to join Matsuri in sleep.

_'...Today was a fun day...'_

* * *

><p>(Issei): "Whoa! The shop looks extra busy today. What happen?" Whistles out loud as he enters Naruto's ramen shop. He looks around for a seat and was pleasantly surprise to find that the usual table was clean and empty of customer.<p>

(Matsuri): "Ah Issei-kun, welcome. Would you like me to bring you a medium pork ramen?" Smiles at Issei.

(Issei): "That would be good Matsuri. By the way, why's it so packed today?" Gestures at the customer.

(Matusri): "It's because of Naruto-sama's newest special dish, the **"Uzumaki Ramen: Kitsune Special"**. The first customer who ordered it said-" Gets cut off by the customers from a nearby table.

(Customer A): "This smell-"

(Customer B): "This taste-"

(Customer C): "This texture-"

(Customer A,B and C): "It's-" Holds up their bowls reverently. "Yasaka-sama's Special Kyuubi Ramen!" Poors the content of the bowl into their mouth as they cry tears of joy.

(Customer A): "Men! Take out your wallets, we must buy every last drop of this Amrita!"

(Customer B and C): "Yessir!"

(Customer A,B and C): "Miss waitress! Refill please!"

(Matsuri): "Yes, they said something like that. I'll be back quickly with your pork ramen, Issei-kun." She gives Issei an apologetic smile before leaving to tend to the customers.

(Issei): "Take your time." Watches Matsuri leaves before pulling out his homework and works on it. "Hmmm, so that new special ramen wasn't a joke huh?"

-Much later-

(Matsuri): "Thank you for your patronage!" Greets off the last customer in the shop.

(Naruto): "Whew, finally done. This was a surprisingly hectic day." Walks out of the kitchen while rolling around his shoulder to relax its muscle.

(Issei): "Your new ramen is surprisingly popular." Closes notebook and puts it into his backpack.

(Naruto): "Jealous that you didn't get any?" Smirks at Issei cockily. "If you get down on your hands and knees and beg to be my lab rat for the rest of your life, I'll give you some."

(Issei): "Tempting but a harem king bows down to no one."

(Naruto): "Dert is on a more successful path then you towards being a harem king. Cause y'know, he's rich as hell."

(Issei): "KUH!" Crouches down on knee in pain. "Cheap words will not bring me down!"

(Naruto): "No, I mean, aren't you already down?"

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama? What are these bowls of ramen doing here?" Pokes head out of the kitchen entrance to give Naruto a questioning look.

(Naruto): "Oh, I saved those for us. Bring them out Matsuri, let's eat." Looks back at Issei. "Oi Issei, take a seat already. I took the effort to saved a bowl of special ramen for you."

(Issei): "Eh? Ah ok." Sits back into his chair.

(Matsuri): "Here you go Naruto-sama, Issei-kun." Puts bowls of ramen in front of them.

(Naruto, Issei): "Thanks Matsuri~"

_Slurpppp~ _The sound of ramen being eaten echoed through the empty walls of the once crowded shop. Naruto, as always, breathed in the ramen like it was air and finished in ten seconds flat. Matsuri, who usually took her time, seemed to particularly enjoy the ramen Naruto made and finished before Issei. Issei finished his ramen at the regular time.

(Issei): "Hey Naruto, this is the newest special you made?" Looks at Naruto.

(Naruto): "Yeah, why?" Returns Issei's look.

(Issei): "It tastes the same as any other ramen you cook."

(Naruto): "I thought it tasted awesome... then again, all ramen are awesome."

(Issei): "Oh right, you have a ramen fetish. I forgot." Gives Naruto a "-_-" look before turning to Matsuri. "Hey Matsuri, what'd you think of Naruto's ramen."

(Matsuri): "I like the ramen. The smell is subtle but very pleasing to the nose. The ***** and ***** really whetted my appetite and lured me in. The texture of the noodle was springy and chewy but at the same time quite soft and made easy to slurp in. The taste was a bit diverse but the ***** and the ***** worked well in not overpowering the taste of the *****. Personally, I think that Naruto-sama's special ramen is on another league compared to my measly imitation." Answers at Issei with a completely honest face.

(Issei): "...How did you get all that out of Naruto's plain ramen?" Looks at Matsuri incredulously.

(Naruto): "..." Looks at Issei and Matsuri with a bored expression before clapping his fist on top of his palm like he figured out something. "Issei-"

(Issei): "Sup Naruto?" Looks back at the blonde.

(Naruto): "You didn't finish your homework, did you?"

(Issei): "Urk!"

(Naruto): "Do it." Stares Issei down with a dangerous glint to his eyes.

(Issei): "..." Pulls out his homework again and begins working on it.

(Naruto): "Matsuri, let me help you with the dishes." Stands up and carries his and Issei's bowl to the kitchen.

(Matsuri): "Thank you, Naruto-sama." Follows Naruto to the kitchen.

(Issei): Looks up from his homework and stares at the kitchen. "This is because I called his ramen plain isn't it?" Went back to his homework.

-Inside the Kitchen-

(Matsuri): "Did you give Issei the plain ramen Naruto-sama?" Rinses a dish and passes it for Naruto to dry.

(Naruto): "No, all three bowls were the special ramen that Kyuubi no Yasaka sent through the letter." Drys the dish and stacked it up.

(Matsuri): "But Issei said it taste like your regular ramen while I tasted something incredible beyond my comprehension."

(Naruto): "That's probably because the special ramen is a youkai dish."

(Matsuri): "A youkai dish? But there were customers who-" Passes the last dish.

(Naruto): "Those are probably the scouts the youkai association sent to check up on us." Carries the clean dishes and puts it away.

(Matsuri): "So they were youkais... I did not notice." Turns off the water and wipes hand.

(Naruto): "You're still relatively young for a youkai. Don't worry too much about it." Walks out of the kitchen.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama." Follows Naruto.

-Outside the Kitchen-

(Naruto): "...Issei what are you doing?" Stares at Issei as the brunette organizes his homework on the table to look like a naked woman.

(Issei): "Creating a ritual to summon the Oppai gods and ask them to grant me knowledge." Answers without breaking his concentration.

(Naruto): "...Carry on then." Walks to the table and turns on the game system.

(Matsuri): "Call me if you need any help Issei-kun." Begins sweeping the shop.

(Issei): "Thanks bro."

A week afterwards, a certain red haired beauty received a letter from her equally red haired brother bewaring her of the new youkai faction in Tokyo. The new faction already claimed a small shopping area near Kuoh Academy as their territory and they seemed to have made their headquarters in a small ramen shop in the center of the area, where they are spotted to often having seemingly unorganized grouped meetings. The redhead girl was warned to be extremely cautious whenever they are near the ramen shop/ headquarter.

* * *

><p>Ring-a-ding<p>

"Yo, I'm here." Issei walks into Naruto's ramen shop with a slouch. Matsuri waved at him with a smile as she finished writing down a customer's order. Naruto poked his head out of the kitchen to give Issei a quick "Sup." before ducking in again to fill out Matsuri's newest order. Seeing as they were busy, Issei stalked to the usual table to find that Dert, who has been missing from the shop for a week, was there sipping his drink. Issei was mildly curious to see that the middle aged man was wearing a collared Hawaian t-shirt and a pair of shorts instead of his usual worned out business suit.

"Yo, Dert. Where've you been." Issei asks as he sat down on his usual seat, opposite of Dert. He began pulling out some worksheets to review.

"Ah Issei-kun, you're here. Here I brought a souvenir for you." Dert hands Issei a gift bag with some foreign lettering that Issei couldn't understand.

"A souvenir? Were you on a business trip or something?" Issei gratefully accepts the bag with a "thank you".

"No it was the opposite actually. Some of my co-workers said that I was overworking myself and suggested that I needed to take a relaxing trip. Luckily enough, another co-worker had spare tickets to visiting Spain and I somehow or another ended up tagging along. It was a fun trip." Dert reminiscent as Issei gives him a stony face that expressed "You? Work? What work?"

"...Hoped you had fun. Now then, lets see what you got me!" Pushing off Dert's obvious taunt for a tsukkomi, Issei opens the gift bag to find four magazines. Confused, he pulled them out and widens his eyes comically.

"...I...Dert...You...W-what..." Issei stutters as he stares at the magazines in absolute awe and wonder. He gently puts the stack of magazines back in the gift bag and looks at Dert. He gave Dert a stare that lasted for five seconds before cracking into a mad grin and jumps at the middle age man. "DERT! YOU'RE SUCH A BRO!" Was what he yelled aloud before he glomped the coffee sipping old man. Yup, you guessed it, Dert bought Issei Spaniard porn.

"Oh? So you've decided to give up on his ridiculous harem plan and aim for the safer path of the rich unmarried gentleman huh? Good for you Issei." Naruto walks out of the kitchen just in time to see Issei tackle the coffee addict.

Issei tearily lets go of Dert to grab the gift bag laying on the floor and showed it to Naruto, completely forgoing to comment on the blonde's insult due to sheer happiness. "Naruto! Check out what Dert gave me!"

"...What is this Spanish?" Naruto looks into the bag and pulls out one of the magazine. He realized it was porn on first sight but didn't realize the language until he stared at it for a bit. He looked over to Dert with a crooked smile and says "Did you go all the way to Europe just to buy something to woo Issei with? You know he'll roll over and bark for normal Japanese porn right?"

"Ahahaha, strange as always Naruto-san? Here, I bought you and Matsuri a gift as well." Dert laughs off Naruto's insinuation and hands the ramen pair their souvenir.

"...You are just tempting me aren't you? Not gonna fall for it. Now lets see what I gots." Naruto glared at Dert for a good two seconds before taking the gift and ripping the wrappings to shreds. Naruto lifted up the object that was once covered in wrapping, beheld it to his eye level and then chucked it at Dert.

"This is just more porn dammit!" Dert seemed to take great amusement in Naruto's expression as he chuckles at the flying magazines being thrown.

"..." Matsuri tight expression seemed to agree with Naruto's mad accusations but unlike the blonde, she politely sets her porn back onto the table. Issei gave her a puppy dog look that she understood immediately and gave her approval. The brunette teen beamed with happiness so much so that even Matsuri sweatdropped a little.

Naruto glanced at Issei's happy expression and scowled. "Why are you so happy, don't you have your midterms coming up soon?" Seeing the boy's devastated face almost made Naruto's day, almost. It would've definitely made his day if Issei didn't look like he remembered something horrible. That devastated expression only told the blonde one thing. Issei forgot about his midterm exams. The blonde sighed to himself and looked at Issei in exasperation.

"Relax, we still have time to cram. When's the test dates?" Naruto prodded the boy on the ground.

"..." Issei looked at Naruto with dead eyes of resignation. It was the eyes of a soldier going into war on the losing side. The eyes of a defeatist. He moved his lips and muttered "...Tomorrow."

Matsuri stared at Issei in disbelief, Naruto slammed his head onto the table and Dert chocked on his coffee. Together they yelled "How could you forget such a thing until the last minute!"

Issei responded with a dry, cracked chuckle and a far off look. Naruto scratched the back of his head and sighed before walking towards the madly chuckling brunette. He grabbed the teen by his collar and dragged him to the second floor of the ramen shop to study.

"Matsuri, close up. Dert, get big crate of some strong black coffee. We got approximately a twelve hour all nighter to cram months worth of knowledge into this fool."

-Upstairs-

12 hours remaining until school opens

"According to Issei-kun's report card, his weakest subject is English and Social studies. He is proficient in Math and Science (aka failing slightly less then usual) and is in the middle ground with Japanese." Matsuri reads off of the newest report card she got from Issei's school. "According to the potential tests that I got glimpses of when hacking the school database, it is safe to say that we should spend the most time focusing Issei-kun's studies on English, Japanese and Science as they are the hardest ones."

Issei started when he heard Matsuri said something strange. "Wait did you just say you hac-"

"Since my job involves me making many connections. I am quite capable in the English and Social studies department. I take up on being Issei's tutor for those subjects." Dert cuts in before Issei could somehow distract himself.

"I am quite adept in the Math and Science area myself so I will help Issei-kun with that." Matsuri gives her two cents after Dert gave his.

"In that case, I will take Japanese on for myself. We'll each split our subjects into two five hour margins and one two hour. I will take the two hour. Matsuri, please give us the potential questions as well as the most probable answers. Dert you will go first." Naruto gives out quick and precise orders to his two accompanying teachers. Issei could do nothing accept for sitting in the background making a nervous face at the spartan course he's being targeted with.

"Oh, and Issei-" Naruto finally turns his gaze back at the boy on his knees. "-if you so much as dare to slack off for even a minute, these-" He pulls out the stack of twelve magazines that Dert graciously got for Issei. "-will never reach your eyes again." Naruto kamiwari'd the magazines with the air inside of his closet for dramatic effects. It had its intended results as Issei's face grew ashen white.

Dert sat down next to Issei and sympathetically pat the boy on his shoulder before saying "...Let's begin Issei-kun." The teen could only nod and looked at the worksheet Matsuri prepared for him.

10 hours 45 minutes remaining until school opens

(Dert): "..." Flips a page in his hand.

(Issei): "..." Swallows his saliva noisily.

(Naruto): "..." Plays a Portable GS game.

(Matsuri): "..." Prepares the study material for both herself and Naruto.

(Dert): "...Issei-kun" Puts down the worksheets.

(Issei): "Yeah?" Gulps once more.

(Dert): "...You pass-" Grins at Issei.

(Issei): "YES! OPPAI-SAMA HAS NOT FORSAKEN ME!" Jumps onto his feet and cheers loudly.

(Dert): "-with the minimum required score for a normal student. However, with your current grades in the report card... I'm afraid you're going to need to make a much better grade on the test."

(Issei): "NOOOO, OPPAI-SAMA WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME." Falls to the ground and fetal-positioned himself.

(Naruto): "..." Looks up from his GS. "...That's one magazine Issei."

(Issei): "!" Jumps back at the worksheet and starts stabbing it with writing.

8 hours 5 minutes remaining until school opens

(Issei): "...Urg..." Slumps down onto the table and drools with his mouth agape. His eyes lost their usual gleam and he begins loudly snoring.

(Naruto): "...Is he asleep?" Looks at Dert who's grading a big stack of paper that Issei somehow managed to write.

(Dert): "He's finish with all his work so I'll allowed him some rest." Flips to another page with the number 32 printed on it's top left. "Really, that boy finished all fifty worksheets in around an hour." Flips to page 33. "And most of it is correct as well."

(Naruto): "...Meh. Matsuri, wake him up when it's your time to teach." Looks back down to his GS game.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama."

7 hours 10 minutes remaining until school opens

(Issei): "...Ah?" Opens his sleepy eyes and sees Matsuri looking down at him. He realizes that he's sleeping on Matsuri's lap and chuckles. "Matsuri~ I had such a strange nightmare~."

(Matsuri): "..." Tilts her head at the slightly hysterical Issei which prompted him to continue.

(Issei): "Naruto was threatening me to study for twelve hours straight or he'll take away all my porn~ He crazy is that huh?" Starts chuckling deliriously at the strange idea.

(Naruto): "That's still happening Issei. In fact, it's about to be Matsuri's turn to teach you soon."

(Issei): "!" Bolts up from Matsuri's soft, comfy and manly(?) lap to exhaustively look at Naruto, who's still playing his game and then at Dert, who's sipping his coffee. Looks distressingly at Dert who returns the look with a smile and mouthed "It's still good." Visibly slumps down to knees in relieve.

(Matsuri): "It's good that you're awake Issei-kun, should we start?"

(Issei): "..." Nods tiredly and sits next to Matsuri at the table.

5 hours 30 minutes remaining until school opens

(Matsuri): "And you do this and carry the variable x over to here to complete the equation..." Leans over Issei in order to show him the steps to solving that type of question.

(Issei): "Whoa that's all that's needed? How come I never remember learning about this." Gaze in wonderment at the solution.

(Matsuri): "This way of solving such questions is in the textbooks. Did you not read that chapter Issei-kun?"

(Issei): "What textbook?" Looks at Matsuri in honest confusion.

(Matsuri): "...Issei-kun have you ever seen this book before. It's your school textbook." Hands Issei a semi-thick blue hard cover book.

(Issei): "...No, I've never seen this before." Flips through his school textbook. "Oh hey, It has what the teacher's been teaching us... and solutions too!" Looks at Matsuri in complete amazement. "As expected of you Matsuri! Always prepared!"

(Matsuri): "Ahaha, thanks Issei-kun." Takes the compliment in stride and sweat drops a little.

(Naruto, Dert): "..." Gives Issei the "Are you an idiot?" look behind his back.

4 hour 10 minutes remaining until school opens

(Matsuri): "And that's the final question." Checks over the last of Issei's worksheet to see if they missed anything. "Good job Issei-kun, why don't you go rest for a bit before your tutoring time with Naruto-sama."

(Issei): "..." Nods tiredly again for the xth time that day and slumped onto the cool wooden table.

(Naruto): "...Matsuri, by your calculations, what are the chances of Issei passing?"

(Matsuri): "Considering the fact that he knows most of his exam's question by heart now, he should be able to pull his average up to above the passing requirement."

(Naruto): "...That's good. Prepare the guest futons. Let him sleep for the rest of the night."

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama."

(Dert): "Is it because you care for his health that you let him sleep in or because you're too lazy to teach?" Smirks at Naruto and helps Matsuri drag Issei's dead body to the futon.

(Naruto): "A little bit of both." Walks out the door to go downstairs. "Start sleeping first, I'll join in later."

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama. Good night Dert-san." Crawls into the furthermost left futon, the one that's next to Naruto's, and sleeps.

(Dert): "Mmhmm, good night you two." Crawls into the futon next to Issei's (who's the furthermost right) and sleeps.

(Naruto): "...Good night." Closes the door and walks down the stairs. "...Hey Kurama, you think we got enough in our tank to shape a permanent goudama?"

**(Kurama): "...We can make up to three temporary ones with our current capacity... What do you have in mind?"**

(Naruto): "...A good luck charm."

1 hour after school opens/ 30 minutes remaining until class starts

(Issei): "I'm late, I'm late, I'm lateeeeee~!" Rushes downstairs with his clothes disheveled.

(Matsuri): "Ah, Issei-kun, please wait a moment." Walks out f the kitchen.

(Issei): "What's up, Matsuri?" Stops at the entrance and turns around to see Matsuri wearing an apron.

(Matsuri): "Here's your lunch and I wish you good luck on your test." Fixes Issei's clothing and buttons up his jacket.

(Dert): "Yes, remember your preparations and you should do well." Dert jumps in as well from the usual table.

(Issei): "Un! Thanks, I'll do my best." Races out the ramen shop. Runs for about a minute before he sees a familiar mop of blond hair. "Oh? Naruto, what're you doing here?"

(Naruto): "...Just taking a walk. Here, catch." Tosses something black at Issei.

(Issei): "Oh?" Catches the black object and looks at it. "An omamori?" Looks at the pitch black omamori in his hand, then at Naruto.

(Naruto): "Good luck on the test." Walks pass Issei and towards the direction of the ramen shop.

(Issei): "Thanks." Grins at Naruto before running to school again.

* * *

><p>RINGGGGGGGGGG<p>

"Safe!" Issei rushes into his class just as the bell rings. He slides into his chair and slumps his back into it. He tries to calm his labored breathing and only somehow made himself more nervous for the test. He groans to himself as he tries to remember the spartan teachings that Naruto, Dert and Matsuri tried to imbued into his brain. He somehow managed to remember Matsuri's efficient teachings and Dert's hands on ( aka LOTS of writing) approach. For some reason though, he can't remember Naruto's attempt at teaching. Any of it, actually. Knowing how enthusiastic the blonde was at getting him to study, Issei was sure that the blonde did something crazy to teach Issei but for whatever reasons, he can't remember it.

_'Was Naruto's teaching style so bad that my brain actively tried to wipe out the memories? Is that even possible?' _Before Issei could continue his train of randomness, the classroom door opened. Since this is a testing day, a random teacher is assigned beforehand to each class to administer the tests to the students. Trying to get his mind off of his re-enclosing nervousness he took a look at the teacher... and did a waterless spit-take. Now he understood why he sensed a weird feeling of dejavu.

-10 minutes earlier outside the Kuoh academy's school gate-

"Alright Matsuri, you're the fill-in student for the empty seat next to Issei, use whatever skills you have to throw off atention to yourself. Dert, you'll be the first test administrator for Issei's class. I'll be the brain who's in charge of overlooking this situation and giving instructions. The main objective of our mission is to passively encourage Issei to pass the test. All forms of cheating will be regulated by me and carried out by you two. Remember to keep wearing your mini-headphones for the remainder of this mission and don't let others notice it. Is there any question?" Naruto asks as he sits within the cover of a bush while wearing camo-clothing. It didn't really work out because of his blonde tufts.

"When and how did you even prepare all of this?" Dert asks as he fixes his gray tie while looking at a full size mirror Matsuri was holding up.

"About an hour ago I went to the principle and asked. He readily accepted my preposition." Naruto simply said. It wasn't a lie, just not the full truth. He did come to Kuoh Academy and asked the principle (with a extra helping of grade A Kurama genjutsu) and the principle did accept (After approximately ten minutes of genjutsuing). Dert seems to have left it at that so Naruto deemed that he didn't need explain any further.

"Is there any other question?" Seeing the other two squad members shake their head, Naruto grinned and said "Good. Mission start."

-Issei's classroom-

Dert passed out the test and went back to the teacher's desk to read his magazine and drink his coffee. He didn't do anything strange when he got to Issei's table besides mouthing the words "Naruto's idea" so Issei figured that this is just their way of encouraging him on.

An hour passed and Issei had to admit that he was doing the test with relative ease. So far, he has passed no questions that he did not remember already doing. It was both reassuring and scary how all these answers that Issei's pooring out is from Matsuri's worksheets. He made a mental note to not let the silver haired girl go near his computer, ever.

He was near the end when he came across a question he did not remember doing. He tried to comb his mind of any mention of this question but came up blank. Panicked, he sat there for five minutes trying to do it himself but he soon found that he had no idea where to start. Was this a new concept that Naruto was supposed to go over with him? Is this question in the blank spot of his memory of being with Naruto for the night? In that case, this is extra bad. If he misses this question and Naruto finds out... his porn collection would disappear. Issei sat there practically hyperventilating when something moved from the corners of his eyes.

He made a subtle glanced towards the moving object and almost screamed aloud at seeing Matsuri sitting in one of the empty seats in the classroom doing the test as well. He rubbed his eyes once and still sees Matsuri wearing the cute Kuoh Academy uniform. He rubbed them again and still sees a very real Matsuri masculinely doing the test in the cute Kuoh Academy uniform. The very real Matsuri took a quick glance at him and then signaled something with her facial expression. He somehow understood her signal and glanced down to her hand which held three fingers up. He immediately understood what that meant and circled the answer choice to the question he had trouble with.

Somewhere within his mind, he knew that he was doing something bad but honestly, he didn't care. Matsuri is being an overqualified bro by trying to help him out. Who is is he to reject such a thing? Who is anyone to reject such a thing?

And like that, time passed until lunch started.

-Kuoh Academy's Courtyard-

Lunch started after the first three portions of the test was finished and the students filed out of the room. Matsuda and Motohama questioned why Issei is staying behind but left quickly when the brunette reminded them that it was the swimclub's day to take their physical. Issei also wanted to go as well but the curiosity for questioning the certified hacker and old man about what they're doing here prevailed. The cheating pair in turn smiled at Issei like the cheshire cat and lead him to the courtyard.

They walked up to a tree and Issei saw a familiar mop of blonde sticking out from behind it. Circling around, Issei sees Naruto, in camo, sitting under the shades of the tree. Naruto sees the group as well and waved.

(Naruto): "Yo, Issei. How's the test so far?" Slurps the steaming ramen bowl in his hands.

(Issei): "Scarily well. I don't think I need to tell you about it?" Sits down facing Naruto and pulls out the lunchbox Matsuri packed for him earlier.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama only instructed me to help you twice." Sits next to Naruto. Pulls out two lunchboxes from her schoolbag and hands one to Dert. "Well done, Issei-kun." Smiles at Issei.

(Dert): "Where were you anyways, I didn't see you anywhere to observe us." Looks at Naruto as he opens Matsuri's lunchbox.

(Naruto): "I was in a tree." Waves around the binocular that was hanging off his waist. "And I can be very stealthy, it's no wonder you didn't see me."

(Issei): "Let me guess, you've been training since the age of twelve in order to become a ninja." Deadpans at Naruto.

The blonde nodded as he stuffed his face with ramen while Issei rolled his eyes. Dert sat there and sips his infinite coffee coffee cup after quickly demolishing Matsuri's lunch. Matsuri pulled out an extra large thermos as well as three cups and hands Naruto and Issei a cup of tea. They sat in relative silence for a while before Naruto spoke.

(Naruto): "So... what do you usually do at lunch break?"

(Issei): "Hmmm... I usually either eat lunch with Matsuda and Motohama or I go peeking with them. Sometimes both."

(Dert): "What a proactive way to spend time in school. Ah, the bliss of youth."

(Matsuri): "What did you do when you were in school Naruto-sama?"

(Naruto): "Oh you know, the usual. Practicing how to throw kunais and shurikens."

(Issei): "Nothing about that is usual you ninja fetishes."

(Dert): "Now now Issei-kun. You can't judge others by what they did, in fact, back in my days-"

(Matsuri): "Dert-san, your birth certificate says you're only 39. Not much has changed since your days."

(Dert): "Wah~ Matsuri-san's saying something really scary."

They went back to the peaceful silence with the only sound being Naruto, who's gorging down his third extra large ramen bowl.

(Issei): "Ah, that reminds me." Turns to Matsuri. "So you can hack huh?"

(Matsuri): "Yes, but I'm still a novice at it. Naruto-sama is still teaching me some of the deeper inner workings."

(Dert): "Oho, as expected of the mysterious blonde foreigner. You're working really hard to fill out your character list aren't you Naruto-san."

(Issei): "Seriously, what do you think ninjas do?" Looks at Naruto incredulously.

(Naruto): "No, hacking was something I learned after I stopped being a ninja-" He twitched his head and upper body towards an odd angle bofore looking back and gives Matsuri and Dert quick instructions. "Dert, hide! Matsuri, extra cute smile, aim it at Issei!"

(Issei): "Wha-" Looks at Dert who seemed to have understood immediately as he climbed the tree he was previously leaning on with practiced ease.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama." Snaps fingers in front of Issei's face to capture his attention before giving the teen a literally blinding smile.

(Issei): "WAH!" Covers his eyes. "What's going on?!"

(Motohama): "Matsuda...do you see what I'm seeing?"

(Matsuda): "If you're talking about Issei's companions then yes, I'm seeing it too."

(Issei): Turns around to see Matsuda and Motohama. "Huh? When'd you two get there?"

(Matsuda, Motohama): Runs off while yelling "Issei you bastard! Ditching us to go eat lunch with two mysterious hot ladies! Go drown yourself beneath Tokyo Bay!"

(Issei): "...What?"

Issei turns around to ask Matsuri and/or Naruto what's going on. He freezes when he got a look at Naruto. Naruto was crossing as "Naruko-sensei" again. This time though, he dressed himself in a Kuoh Academy female uniform and had his hair flow freely instead of the bun from before. It took Issei a total of three seconds before a light bulb popped into existence and "dinged".

(Issei): "...SERIOUSLY, STOP DOING THAT!" Gets up and lunges at Naruto.

(Naruto): "KAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dodges Issei's lunge and quickly runs off though slow enough for Issei to still try and catch up to.

(Dert): "Ah, the bliss of youth..." Sips his coffee from the lowermost branch of the tree he climbed.

(Matsuri): "Issei-kun! Class is restarting in ten minutes don't be late!" Cleans up the lunch equipments and walks off to class after nodding at Dert.

(Issei): "GET BACK HERE YOU IDIOTIC PRANKSTER!"

(Naruto): "KAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

><p>AN<p>

Idiot #1: Welcome back to another stupendously idiotic installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". Today we are gonna give news and answer questions.

Idiot #2: First is the news. We have decided a title for our first arc (the first 5-15 chapters) "Bromance of The Three Kingdoms".

Idiot #3: The three kingdoms part is referencing to the different races. Matsuri, the youkai, Naruto/Issei, the humans and Dert the "?". We're not spoiling Dert's identity until any reviewers states outright who we're referencing to.

Idiot #1: Why can't we just call it "The First Year Arc"? It's literally random chapters of Issei's first year?

Idiot #2 and 3: Because it sounds stupidly boring, be more creative man.

Idiot #1: Ugh, whatever. Anyways onto the questions.

Idiot #2: Some people commented on our [(Name): "Dialogue" Action] style writing. To answer that, we say "Ugh, whatever". Whatever works right?

Idiot #3: #1 started us off writing in that style and we just picked it up, it works... sort of.

Idiot #1: Yeah, so that's about it. Anyone got something they have to say? Any diabolical plan before we stop typing?

Idiot #2: No, I got nothing... Oh, I think I should mention that we need a Beta. We're sorely missing out on the "Good Grammar" portion of fanficiton (badum tzzz). Besides that... nothing. You got anything to say #3?

Idiot #3: ...We're also looking for tutors to help us with homework. In case you didn't notice, we're idiots.

Idiot #1 and 2: ...We second that.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	3. Coffee Ramen

"Haaa... It's been a while since I've seen the shop as empty as it is today." Naruto loafed on the usual table in his ramen shop. Besides him was Dert, who as always, was sipping on his cup of coffee and reading a newspaper. Matsuri was in the kitchen, packing up the remains of today's still plentiful stocks. Issei hadn't come to the shop immediately after school so he probably got caught peeking and was given detention.

"It really is rare. I've never seen you having two or three customers a day since Matsuri-san started working here. Perhaps it is because of the festival across town." Dert looked up from his newspaper and gave Naruto a possible reasoning for his lack of customers.

"A festival? Which one?" Naruto's interest peeped a little at the mention of a festival.

"The Sanno festival Naruto-sama." Matsuri walked out of the kitchen while wiping her hands on her apron. "The festival parade passed by the other side of town sometime between four and five o'clock, earlier this evening."

Ring-a-ding

"Here you guys are." Everyone in the shop turns to see Issei walking in wearing a simple brown yukata. "I didn't see any of you guys at the parade so I figured you'd be here. Aren't you going to the festival?" Issei asks while looking at the undecorated group.

"Why'd you figure we'd be at the parade?" Naruto asks the teen in the dark brown kimono and sandals.

"Well, since the festival is always held on the other side of town, this shopping district usually closes down at lunchtime. Most of the shop owners here opens up a stall near the shrine where the festival is held so I figure you'd be there too. Didn't your neighbors tell you that?" Issei explains to him while giving his blonde friend a questioning look.

"...No, I don't speak to my neighbors often. They think that I'm an insanity asylum escape convict."

"...I'm not even going to ask." He looks over to Dert and Matsuri. "So you guys wanna go to the festival or not."

"Well, it does sound more enjoyable then staying in this secluded shop the whole time." Dert scratches his stubble.

"It would be nice to see what a festival is like for once..." Matsuri glances at Naruto to see if he wants to go. She would gladly stay behind with the blonde if he chooses to not go.

"A festival huh? Sounds fun, lets go!" Naruto was at the shop's entrance and dressed in an orange yukata before anyone could blink. One moment he was lazily slouching on the table and the next, he's energetically bouncing like a kid on a sugar rush at the door.

"Hurry up! Come on already! We've wasted enough time!" The blonde runs out of the entrance and headed in the wrong direction.

"Ah, wait for me Naruto-sama!" Matsuri chased after the blonde in orange, also going in the wrong direction.

"Hey! Where're you guys going? The temple is that way!" Issei bounds out of the shop and tries to get their attention. He ended up having to chase them while yelling "Wrong way!"

"Ah... The blessing of youth." Dert walks out the shop last and locked the door for Naruto. He then leisurely followed the noise of Issei's yell while sipping on his cup of infinite coffee.

* * *

><p>"Wow, so that's the shrine, it's surprisingly crowded...everywhere." Matsuri looks around in wonderment. They have not passed the shrine's gate yet and the young youkai was already feeling a bit swamp. Discreetly, she moved closer to her blonde master who has lost his earlier hype and went back to his usual lazy impassiveness.<p>

"Of course, this is a traditional festival. Practically every neighborhood is here." Issei answered Matsuri's silent question while weaving through the crowd. "Though I honestly have no idea what this festival is celebrating, I can definitely say I know some awesome food stands."

"Ah, if youth keeps up like this, our honorable olden traditions will come to an end." Dert contemplates aloud while actively doing his best to keep the group together. Because it's so crowded, everyone needs to make room for each other to maneuver. Dert took it on himself to maintain the group within a close enough distance to where they can locate each other by sight or voice.

"...I wonder if they have ramen here..." Naruto asks a question with enough volume to reach Issei, the makeshift guide to the festival for the group. The ramen chef looked around some of the stores near the shrine but found nothing of interest. There were a few toy shops and a couple of kimono rental but nothing that really connects with the blonde.

"If you want ramen just go home." Issei deadpans at his blonde friend's obsession to the noodlely treat.

"I think they sell yakisoba at the stands in the shrines Naruto-sama." Matsuri suggests as she continues to stick near the blonde.

"Everyone~ we've pass the front gate. Gather up or you'll get lost." Dert comically inputs as they walked under the red wooden shrine gate and into the temple ground.

"Pfft. We're not kids Dert, I don't think we can get lost even if we want t-" Before Iseei could continue his retort to Dert's advice, a sudden crowd appeared out of nowhere and passes through the gate just after them. Like a certain comedic scene that tends to show up from time to time in some dating sims, Issei, Dert, Naruto and Matsuri got separated, each member dragged off by their own little crowd.

"Seriously? What the heck!" Was all that Issei could yell aloud against the physical embodiment of the humorous force acting imposingly to his words. In an act of defiance, he reached passed the barrier of his little crowd in order to grab onto one of his friend's hand. He managed to grab onto a soft, effeminate and yet somehow manly hand. Feeling like he already knew whose hand it was from his sense of touch, he pulled the hand and its person out of both their perspective crowds. Not wanting to be dragged around by mysteriously illusional crowds again, Issei wasted no time to get out of the entrance area and paced quickly to the temple area, all while not letting go of Matsuri's hand.

"Whew, I think we're safe from that mysterious crowd now." Issei relaxed himself after making it to the stall area, which is too disjointed to have mysterious crowds appearing without him noticing. "Hey Matsuri, did you see where the other two went?" He turned around to ask his silver haired friend when he widened his eyes at the person he saw instead.

The person is blonde and has blue eyes. The person is wearing an orange outfit. The person has a droopy looking stare aimed at Issei. The person is however, not Naruto (or his strangely realistic disguise, Naruko). The person is female. Her ponytailed blonde hair is a paler and more ethereal shade of blonde than compared to his friend's. Her eyes, while blue, is leaning more towards greenish and the blank stare that she was giving to Issei seemed more natural due to the lack of light flecks reflecting from her pupils. Her body is beautifully curved and much more natural than compared to his blonde friend's proportionally outrageous disguise. The girl/ young woman before him is extremely charming... and someone he does not know... and he's still holding her hand... "ding".

"I'm sorry for dragging you around like that!" Quickly letting go of the strangely manly hand, Issei backed away from the blonde beauty and bowed his head to a near ninety degree angle. He held his head like that for another few seconds before raising it again to look at the girl. She had a knuckle in front her mouth, as if to cover up whatever sound she was making, and she was shaking from what seems to be laughter. Yes, that is definitely laughter she's trying to cover up. "Wha-"

"...Fooled ya." The blonde whispered in a low volume while giving Issei a shit eating grin. It took the brunette a few seconds to process the words, another few seconds to understand its meaning and a few more to recognize the originator's voice.

"NARUTO?!"

* * *

><p>(Dert)<p>

He saw the crowd coming from behind them and made to warn the group but they didn't heed his warnings. Issei-kun seemed to have had a smart aleck answer readying for emission when the crowd made impact. As expected, the little group was splinted apart. He managed to sidestepped the crowd and dodged the wave but the others weren't so lucky. He saw Issei dragging Naruto away to the stalls and Matsuri getting dragged towards the praying ground.

"Ah, it looks like I managed to lose them anyways. Oh well, we'll probably meet up again. Let's see, where's the coffee stand around here..." The middle aged man sighed as he blended into the crowd while sipping his coffee.

* * *

><p>(Matsuri)<p>

She managed to finally escape from the bondage of the crowd too late. Looking around, she couldn't find a trace of her master's incandescent blonde hair. Wilting noticeably, she begins her trudge back to the temple ground's entrance in hopes of finding her lord when she notices something in her hand. Confused as to when it had gotten there, the silverette opens a letter in her hand. In it were a hundred thousand yen and a note that states

_'Looks like we got separated, sorry Matsuri. Here's some money, enjoy yourself. I'll meet up after a bit, hopefully with the others as well. Have fun~!'_

"...Ahehehe, Naruto-sama. What did you expect me to do to be putting in so much money." She giggles a little at her chosen lord's antic before taking him up on his offer and walked to the stall area to "enjoy herself".

* * *

><p>(Naruto &amp; Issei)<p>

"Oh come on. Don't be pouting, it doesn't fit you." Naruto said to Issei as he bit on his candied apple. " Besides, I would've thought that you'd get use to this by now." He looks over to the pouting Issei who's questioning his sensuality. The brunette keeps muttering something on the line of "It's a guy, it's a girl, the guy's a girl, and the girl's a guy..." In the back of his mind, Naruto decided to hold back on messing with his henge technique for a while. It wouldn't do if Issei were to start suspecting every hot female he sees and interacts with as a certain blonde in disguise after all.

"...Oi, stop muttering already. Didn't you want to enjoy the festival? Here, eat this." Naruto gave Issei a slight scowl and shoved a cotton candy he got earlier into Issei's hand. It effectively snapped the brunette out of his trance as he confusedly looks between the sugary treat and his blonde friend.

"Ah thanks." Issei gave his thanks before joining the blonde in eating the treats while walking around the stall area. "Huh, this is pretty good, where'd you get it?" He finishes the cotton candy fairly quickly and asks Naruto, who finished his candied apple at the same time.

"A few stalls back. The guy gave it to me for free when I gave him a cute smile." Naruto flashed Issei a cute smile that had previously enraptured many stall owners. Issei mentally admitted that he would've also fallen for it too if it was not for the wielder's confession.

"...You dress like that to get free food?" Issei deadpans at Naruto's strange habits and its reason. The ninja excuse was random enough to fit Naruto but dressing up to get free food sounds a bit too... much for the blonde.

"Nah, I do it to mess with people. Spook them a little and make them double think themselves. It's hilarious." The blonde openly responds to Issei's deadpan. He didn't miss the brunette's flinch as the boy thought of his situation. Catching a whiff something good smelling from nearby, Naruto grabbed Issei's arm and led him to the smell of more delicious (and most likely free) food.

"Hey old man, can I get two of that serving?" Naruto calls out to the stand owner who was concentrating on making his takoyakis.

"Hahaha, anything for you sweeth-" The man laughs at Naruto's direct attitude and looks up from his work. He cuts himself off as he recognizes something after seeing the blonde male (currently female) in full. The man squints his eyes and took two noticeable whiff of air before he opens them again in surprise. "-Uzumaki-san, is that you?"

"Hmmm?" Naruto took his turn scrutinizing the man, he seemed familiar but the blonde couldn't quite put a finger on it. Flashing his chakra to activate his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™, a certain group clicked into his mind.

"Ah, you're the one of the scouts."

"Bingo. And in one try too, good job Uzumaki-san. Here's a prize for naming me right on the first try and almost fooling me with your disguise." The scout/ takoyaki stand owner handed Naruto his order of two boxes of takoyaki.

"...How'd you see through the disguise? I thought I did a good job at hiding my identity." Naruto accepted the box offerings and handed one to Issei who wasn't paying any attention at all to the conversation in favor of ogling a pair of cute girls walking by. Leave it to to the hormonal teen to have tact in the weirdest places and circumstance.

"It is a good disguise, but you should realize that nearly everyone I work with is also in disguise. I have a way of telling what's underneath a physical mask." The man tapped his nose while filling out another order for the customers that was behind Naruto. "So you're showing the young one the culture of Japan?"

"...I would be if we didn't get separated..." Naruto stepped out of the way as the scout handed the customers behind him their orders.

"Hahaha, crowded temples tends to do that to people." The man laughed aloud and splatters some more of the batter onto the hot pan. "If you find her though, lead her to the back gates over there by the temple ground. She's living in the human world but that doesn't excuse her from having full enjoyment with our side of things, who knows, maybe she's already there."

"Un, will do. Thanks for telling me." The blonde nodded to the suggestion and walks off, dragging Issei along by his yukata's collar as he wears a perverted smile from seeing an accidental panty flash. The blonde flashed his chakra once more to use his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™ to locate Matsuri. She was on the other side of the stall area, at the gaming stalls. Though he wasn't much of a sensor, he can still tell some emotions by the vague movements of a person's energy. Matsuri's was calm yet energetic, showing that she's (hopefully) enjoying herself.

Glad that his sort of roommate is having fun, He walks to the gate that the scout had mentioned before. He has no idea what to expect but he sure as heck knew that it was different from what he's seeing now. Even before he met Matsuri , he knew that there was more than humans living in this world like the bijuus and summonings of his previous world but the problem was that he never really bothered looking into them until Matsuri appeared. Knowing nothing more than a few wikipedia searches, he was kind of excited about what's to come.

"Hey Naruto, where are we going?" Issei on the other hand was beginning to sweat in apprehension. When he finally noticed his surrounding was auspiciously missing cute females in kimonos, Naruto had already dragged him off to who knows where. The glint in the blonde's eyes that reminds him too much of Serious Naruto is already a warning flare. The fact that human activity was thinning out and dead trees were becoming more prominent by the second wasn't doing much to help.

"A fun place that my friend suggested, ah I see it right over there." Naruto said as he points towards an aged shrine gate surrounded by walls. The oppressive aura that was visibly surrounding the shrine gate made Issei gulp aloud.

"Fun? You sure this friend of yours is trustworthy?"

"No, not really." The blond answers in complete honesty. If this was an attack, he'd just either kick some ass or [Kyuubi Hirasihin] out of here. He's not that worry, unlike his profusely sweating friend whom he's still dragging around. As he steps into the gate's vicinity, a nearly untraceable pulse of power vibrated from the gate and touched both teens. Naruto felt his chakra surge forward to counter the power and he felt the inactive goudama in Issei's pocket do the same. The power retreated back to the shrine gate and the oppressive aura from earlier dissipated. It seems that that was the gate's anti-human function. Maybe he should look into whatever that power was, it certainly wasn't chakra (not that the humans of this world produce much of the energy substance to begin with, being with no chakra coils and all).

He let Issei walk on his own again and motioned the teen to follow him pass the gate. The difference between the inner and outer portion of the gate was tremendous. Outside is a small field surrounded by dying grass and trees. Inside is a bustling festival that's even more hectic than the one outside. Stalls surrounds shops that were surrounded by youkais (some in their full youkai form while others, still human form) crowding everywhere.

"Wow, since when'd they make a costume area here. Figures that your friend would be into cosplaying." The brunette boy said as he whistles and gives the cross-dressing blonde a grin. It's impressive that he's never heard of it before, but that's probably because he didn't know the right people to talk to.

Naruto grinned maniacally when he saw an eight foot tall oni making delicate sweets and a little girl arm wrestling something even bigger than the oni elsewhere. This was going to be fun.

* * *

><p>(Matsuri)<p>

"Ah, you're the youngling/scout!" Both Matsuri and the takoyaki stand owner pointed at each other out as they recognized one another. The stand owner was focusing on making yet another great batch of takoyaki when he hear a familiar voice ordering a box and looked up to see who it was. Matsuri was finishing with raiding the gaming stalls and getting some great prizes that Naruto-sama would've enjoy when she got hungry and decided to get some takoyaki.

"So the boy still hasn't found you huh?" The man packs up some takoyaki into a box and shuts off his grill. He hands Matsuri the box filled with takoyaki.

"I trust that Naruto-sama will find me sooner or later." Matsuri accepted the box and reaches into her sleeve to get some of Naruto's fund. The man stopped her by saying

"No need, that one's on the house. I'm closing down anyways."

"Really? But it's still so early."

"Nah, I''m moving on to my main job. Hey youngling, mind answering some question?" The man closes walks out the back and motioned Matsuri to follow.

"Your main job?" Matsuri made no attempt to follow the man but she didn't retreat either. The man was someone that she is well acquainted with so she can somewhat feel that he won't hurt her. She decided it best to gather more information on what the man wanted to begin with.

"Yes, a scout or rather, your scout. It's been a while since I've been stationed here to monitor your activities. Usually, we'd leave it off if the youkai and their host agrees to live together. The situation with you however is a bit special. I wish to ask some questions and maybe answer a few to make my job easier." The scout explains to the cautious girl his intentions and jokingly puts his hands up in the air as if to surrender.

Matsuri found the answer satisfactory and begins to cautiously follow the man. They didn't move far or rather, at all as they only moved to the back of the stall. Hidden in the shadows of the stall, the scout made a few hand gestures and stuck a piece of paper onto the stall's wall. Matsuri felt a chill crawling up her spine as the air between her and the scout shimmered. She tenses and looks at the man questionably.

"Don't worry, this is just a barrier to tone down volume inside and keep away curious eyes. You can easily walk out or even scream and people will notice you again." The scout scratches the back of his head and gives Matsuri a disarming smile. It still calmed her, even if a by a small amount.

"Ok. What is it you want to ask?" Disregarding her caution for now, she asks the man for his question.

"The first would "Is your host in any way or form hurting you or influencing you to do anything you do not wish to do"?" The man pulls out two folding chairs and hands one to Matsuri. He then sat down on his and pulls out a small journal and began reading from it. He looks up at his interviewer and gives an almost apologetic smile. "Sorry, it's part of the job, even if it's a stupid question."

"No, it's alright." Matsuri smiles demurely as she slightly relaxes some more after seeing that the man was the speaking truthfully (according to Naruto-sama's lie sensing lessons). Matsuri taps her chin in wonderment and answers the scout's question. "Naruto-sama has been very kind to me. He never asked me to help him with his shop even though I was staying in his house for free. He stated outright that he has connections to let me go wherever I wished whenever I wished and he even taught me skills that are usually not taught but learnt through experience. Overall, Naruto-sama has been a perfect host."

"I see... that answers the next question... hmm what's next..." The scout pulls out a pen and wrote something down before flipping the pages and writing in it every now and then. He asked her a few more questions such as "would you prefer staying with a youkai family over a human family?" and "Does he feed you properly?". Matsuri answers them all truthfully and before she knew it, the scout closed his journal and stood up with a relieved sigh escaping his lips. "Phew, glad that's done. Thanks for answering the questions youngling, this'll help me finish off some paperwork much more efficiently."

"No problem, please come and visit our shop if you really want to thank us." Matsuri gave him a winning smile as she shamelessly advertised her shop. She made to walk back out of the shadows when the scout stops her to tell her something more.

"Ah, hang on a sec. Earlier, your host came by and showed a... certain skill set to me without noticing. I never noticed before but now that I did, I'll have to report it to my superiors. Tell me, do you think your master is... special in any way?"

"...Naruto-sama has a bewildering mindset and tends to act very spontaneously. I do not know what you are talking about but he does seem to be well aware of youkais before I came into his life. At least, that is my impression from his ease with accepting me." Seeing nothing wrong with answering the man, Matsuri replies like she did before, truthfully.

"I see... Thank you for accommodating me on answering these strange questions. Go back and have fun at the festival, I suggest the fifth stall to the left of here, they have good buttered grill corn." The man smiles dryly and stalked off into the deeper shadowed areas of the shrine before completely disappearing.

Matsuri looks at the spot where he disappeared for a few seconds before returning to the lights while humming to herself.

* * *

><p>(Dert)<p>

"Excuse me, do you sell coffee at this stand?"

"Sir, you asked me that not five minutes earlier and thirty minutes before that, we only sell buttered grill corn here."

"Damn it!" Dert staggers off again and blends into the crowd to continue his self-appointed quest of finding any drinkable coffee. A few seconds later, a certain silverette walks by and orders a serving of the corn as suggested from her earlier companion.

* * *

><p>(Naruto &amp; Issei)<p>

"Seriously, this place is really elaborate." Issei looks around in awe at the stalls and shops they still haven't been to yet. There are so many places that each have their own youkai related specialty. So far he and Naruto has visited the goldfish scooping stall (which had man eating fish), the caricature stall (which drew what they look like if they were a youkai, he was an oni while Naruto was a kitsune), the gift shooting stall (which Naruto earned them a pair of authentic hetero chromatic lizard newt eyeballs) and the sumo stage (which had had two really big oni-like men duking it out). This place was freakishly amazing.

"We've been here for a while, maybe we should go and find the others now." Naruto slurped up some yakisoba noodles while looking around for the familiar gate in which they entered.

"Huh you're right. Wow, time past by quickly." Issei pulled out his cellphone to check the time and found that time really has passed by without him noticing. In his moment of procrastination, he displaced his thoughts from being mindful of the crowd and bumped into someone. He fell down and looked up to see a half drunk man.

"AH? Watch whe ya goin brat." The tipsy man glared down at Issei and squints his eyes. He looks over to Naruto and scowls prominently. "AH? Why da hell are your kind doin here?!" Before Issei could react, the man grabs him by the collar of his yakata and heaved him up in an incredible display of strength. The now threatening looking man made to say something but stopped when a hand grabbed his wrist.

"Please let my friend go." In his panic, Issei made a half turn to see who had said that. He identified his savior as the now de-disguised Naruto glowering at the man who held Issei. The man yelped and dropped Issei on his rear once more before pulling his wrist out of the blonde's hold. Naruto stepped in front of Issei and continued glowering at the man, the man glared at both Issei and Naruto as he rubbed his wrist and Issei was just confused and scared shitless at the sudden atmosphere of near violence.

It continued this way for a few more moments before another man broke through the crowd and ran towards the man who grabbed Issei. The newcomer patted the offender on the back to grabbed his attention and then the two had a heated whisper discussion (it was really a half whisper conversation seeing as the drunken man said everything in full volume). Issei heard a few lines like "But they're-" "Probably... host." "Why... they here..." "Visit... fun is all.." but couldn't make heads or tails of their conversation. Sooner or later, the drunk conceded to the other man and stepped back. The other man stepped forward and bowed his head towards Naruto's and Issei's direction.

"Ah, sorry about that. My friend had a bit too much spirits and couldn't tell where he was. It was an honest mistake. Sorry about that." The man looks up with a goofy half-crooked grin and silently asks for an acceptance to his apology.

"...That's okay, just please be more mindful of others." Naruto nodded slowly but still kept his glare. The man bowed a second time before turning to drag his drunk friend away. Just as they disappeared into the crowd, Naruto turns around and pulled Issei onto his feet. He then grabbed Issei's hand and walked off in the opposite direction of the other two.

"...So what was that about?" Issei breaks the uncomfortable silence that persisted as the two walked. Naruto paused and lets go off Issei's hand. The blonde turns around and Issei could literally see the change from serious to droopy on his friend's face. He looks at Issei with a lazy demeanor and gave a slow blink before saying

"No idea. Probably just some drunken rambling." Naruto simply said while giving Issei his lazy stare. Issei didn't believe one bit of that but decided that if his friend was going to keep silent about something then he should just let it be. It's not like he even understood what that something was. He just knew that him being there drew the man's aggression. Perhaps he's the father of one of the girls that he, Matsuda and Motohama peeked on, that would explain a lot of things.

They walked in silence once more though this time, without any of the thickness of the earlier atmosphere. Once they made it pass the worn gates from earlier, they walked to the stalls area. Naruto turned his head a few times as if to look for something and Issei followed along. He saw a flash of silver moving in the crowd and called out

"Matsuri!"

The silver head paused and turned to the voice. It took her a moment but she sees the mop of blonde that could only belong to her master and spiky brown locks next to it. She navigates herself through the crowd and smiled happily as she sees her master and friend.

"Hello Issei-kun, Naruto-sama, did you enjoy the festival?" Issei flinched as if he remembered something bad and gave an awkward smile. Naruto nodded his head and asked her the same question with a drowsy smile.

"It was enjoyable, how did you enjoy the festival Matsuri?"

"I had fun, thank you very much Naruto-sama." Matsuri bowed her head to Naruto to show gratitude for him giving her money to enjoy herself. Naruto waved it off and Matsuri raised her head again. "Is Dert-san not with you?" The silverette looks around to locate the last member of the group but found that he was missing.

"Meh, the guy's probably off trying to find coffee or something." Issei quips at Dert's affection for coffee.

"I don't know, maybe poor little Dert got lost in the crowd." Naruto follows up with a grin.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP" Before the group could continue their conversation, a speaker rang overhead and said "ATTENTION ALL FESTIVAL PARTICIPANTS, THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE LOST CHILD SERVICE. WILL THE PARENTS AND/OR GUARDIAN OF ONE DERTRAERG PLEASE COME AND PICK HIM UP? I REPEAT, WILL THE PARENTS AND/OR GUARDIAN OF ONE DERTRAERG PLEASE COME AND PICK HIM UP?"

"""DERT!""" The group scrambles to find the lost child office.

* * *

><p>"Hmmm? I seem to have run out of coffee." Dert says as he puts down the ever-present cup of coffee in his hands.<p>

Naruto drops his controller. Matsuri drops her broom. Issei drops his pencil. Eerily, the three turned their heads to Dert's direction as one, mouth agape and eyes widened in shock.

"...What? Did I miss something?" Dert looks around at those staring at him inquiringly. Chaos exploded.

"Matsuri! Go get coffee ASAP!" Naruto jumps out of his chair and orders Matsuri to go to the kitchen to prepare Dert's life essence. He then walks over to Dert and pats the man gently while saying "Breath man, it's okay. Matsuri will get some nectar immediately. Don't die on us here."

"Yes, Naruto-sama!" Matsuri bolts over the counter and enters the kitchen immediately after Naruto's command.

"Hello 119? This is an emergency! My friend is rapidly losing the liquid that's keeping him alive!" Issei pulls out his phone and instantly begins filling in the request for an ambulance.

"Ah, isn't this going a bit overboard? I'm not so into coffee that I need it to live you know." Dert begins chuckling as he figures out the cause of the commotion. He feels Naruto's deadpan drilling through him on his back without even turning around. He sees Issei closing his phone and turning around to add another deadpan to the group. Matsuri sticks her head out of the kitchen and adds the third and final deadpan.

"You drink the stuff everyday."

"You never seem to _not_ be drinking the thing."

"Frankly speaking, I wouldn't be surprise if your blood is 99% coffee, Dert-san."

"...I limit it to only twenty cups a day you know..."

"""THAT'S STILL A LOT!"""

"Muuu, so mean~. And here I was hoping to teach you kids the ancient art of coffee making." Dert attempt to pout which cause Issei and Naruto to backed off while Matsuri stuck her head back inside the kitchen.

"So you wanted to show us how to make coffee? What's the point? Even Issei knows how to use a coffee machine... probably." Naruto picks up his controller off of the ground and sits down again while giving Dert a raised eyebrow.

"...I'm not going to give you the pleasure of replying to that." Issei scowls in Naruto's direction and returns to his homework.

"Coffee machine? No, I don't mean that pathetic and miserable excuse of a half-assed drunken monkey bartender with no hands. No, what I mean is real coffee making. What I meant is this." WIth an engaging air flowing from him, Dert pulls a large suitcase out of nowhere and puts it on the table which Issei had half an mind to clear up. Naruto shuts off his game system to see what Dert was planning on doing and Dert dramatically flips the case open as he gathered everyone's attention (including Matsuri's who's peaking out of the kitchen entrance).

Inside the case was an assorted collection of tools, machines and beans. Issei stared at it and picked up one of the machines. He examined it for a while and looked over to Dert.

"...A fancier coffee machine?" Naruto's automatic response was to smack the brunette upside his head while Dert lamented on how his tools was being compared to the armless monkey. Matsuri chuckled and told Issei that the thing he was holding was a portable water heater.

"So you wanted to show us the ancient art of coffee making by using modern tools for making coffee?" Naruto raises his eyebrow as he holds up an electronic stove.

"The ancients wished they had this kind of technology." Dert deadpans and unpacks all the tools. He lastly puts down the bag of (probably) coffee beans and clears his throat. "I wanted to treat you kids to a proper cup of coffee since you've been looking sullen these past few days."

True to his words, the shop's atmosphere has been leaning from calm and relaxing to eerily quiet and downright depressing the past few days due to a series of unimportant and unrelated circumstances such as Matsuri slipping and breaking some plates, Issei taking one too many beatings from various females that he and his friends peeped on, Naruto having finally finished all his dating sims and having nothing to do and Dert... well, nothing really happened to Dert. Put together in approximately the same time frame, the sullen atmosphere was created without anyone realizing it except for Dert.

"So you brought all of this to make us coffee?" Issei questions Dert's plan.

"Not at all. I wanted to show you the art of coffee making so that you can do it yourself and cleanse your mind of all its earthly burden. To wash away all the taint that depression had left you with through the cleansing effects of the black nectar of the gods."

"...And you wonder why we call you a damn coffee addict." Naruto stares at the middle aged man stonily, everyone knows that ramen is the true nectar of the gods. To say otherwise is blasphemy.

"...I remember a coffee cake recipe I looked up earlier. Maybe I should try making some?" Matsuri offers her input from behind the kitchen's line. Dert smiled and nodded while her lord shrugged. She took that as a go ahead sign and withdrew into the kitchen's interior to prepare the sweet treat.

"To make coffee you must first..." Dert turns back towards the boys and began his lecture on coffee. Naruto and Issei didn't understand half of it and didn't bother remembering the other half. They would normally have tune him out by now but, to their shock, they found themselves being enraptured by his words. His tone, his gestures, his various actions to use his tools all took their attention towards him and only him. The two could've done nothing except silently accept their fate while Dert blabbers on about coffee.

After what seemed like an eternity (approximately 20 minutes) of grilling, smoking, grinding and dripping the beans, Dert puts one cup of coffee each in front of the hollow eyed boys. The two took a sip and slammed the cup down instantaneously.

""IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE REGULAR COFFEE!""

"I thought you two wanted normal coffee that tastes like the handless monkey's." Dert evenly replies as he sips his own cup. "Besides, that was just to show you two how to prepare a cup. Show me up and make a better one." The middle aged man attempts to challenge the two. He was at least fairly sure that Issei would be all for it.

"...Might as well." Issei harrumphs loudly and stood up to attempt what Dert had shown him. The middle aged man took a seat and watch the young highschooler struggle with the stove. He thought that it wasn't that hard. All he had to do was follow the steps that Dert had attempted to explain to him. Though he struggled with the tools, he didn't have much problems attempting to make his coffee... but... throughout the whole process, he felt something missing. A memory of earlier came to mind.

_'Coffee is an energizing essence that wakes up the drinker. If the brewer is just as down as the drinker, then the essence will be lost. The key in coffee making is not skill or technique, the only true secret is unending will to get what one wants!'_

"...So that's it." Issei recollected himself after days of depression and truly opened his eyes. So what if the kendo club his given such a rough beating! That should be nothing in the face of a harem king! A harem king is one who stands above all others and face tribulations after tribulations without flinching! What is he doing now? Why's he moping around? This isn't how a harem king should be! If he wanted to be a harem king then he should be standing strong with his back straight!

"OOOOOOOOH!" The brunette abandoned his earlier attempt at coffee making and begins to redo his work with renewed vigor. Everything he does, every step he finishes was imbued with the energy that would've light up Tokyo for days on end. From the roasting to the grinding and even the brewing, the boy did everything with absolute confidence and energy. Dert smiled at the boy as he figured out what the middle aged man was trying to do. Naruto perked up with interest as his previously lethargic friend suddenly brimmed with energy.

"Order up." Once the boy was finished, he poured the final product within two cups of coffee and served it to his two waiting friends. The two took the coffee wordlessly and sipped it... only to spit it back out in a simultaneous spit-take (that even came with a small coffee colored rainbow).

"Eh? What's wrong? Is the coffee that bad?" Issei was taken aback at the reactions of his friends. Sure, it might've tasted a little off but isn't that a bit much?

"The hell is this... goat's milked?" Naruto squints his eyes and looks at his cup suspiciously.

"...No this subtle taste, it's like goat's milk but it's different... this is... breast milk." Dert declares after taking one or two more cautious sips.

"What are you two going on ab-" Issei furrowed his eyebrows at the two's answer and poured himself a cup. Much to his dismay, the cup that held what looked and smelled like coffee tasted like very nutritious milk. "...The hell?!"

"...Wait a sec, if this is breast milk and Issei made this... Doesn't that mean that we're drinking..." Naruto didn't need to finish his sentence as everyone in the room shuddered and came to one conclusion.

"Issei, never make coffee again!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"...Good, let's move on and forget that this event ever happened." Dert attempts to get his mind off of the taste of Issei's breast milk. He gestured in Naruto's direction and said "Naruto-san, why don't you give it a try."

The blonde shudders noticeably and gets out of his chair to go to the items. He stood there and glares at the tools for a few tense seconds while Issei situates himself back into his seat. Finally, the ramen chef sighs and said to Dert

"My cook's pride cannot allow me to use another's tools."

Without saying anything else or even wait for a response, the chef grabbed the bag of coffee beans and walked into the kitchen's interior. A few seconds later, Matsuri was gently pushed out and the kitchen's door was slammed shut before the confused silverette could even blink and say "Eh?" Issei and Dert walks up to the confused girl as she stares at the door. The three stood in silence, prickling their ears against the wood to hear what the blonde was planning and then withdrew as one when a loud clang crashed from inside. Another loud clang followed and a fwoosh of fire being lit came after. Soon, the kitchen became a cacophony of sound and all those who were outside thought one thing

_'Is he... making ramen?'_

Five minutes passed and no change happened to the situation. Dert and Issei walks back to the table while Matsuri decided to sweep the floor again. Dert turned on the television to find something to occupy himself with while Issei went back to his homework.

-An hour later-

The kitchen door was slammed opened and Naruto proudly walks out with a platter holding four large bowls of steaming hot ramen. He walks to the table and sets down the platter to distribute the bowls and four small plates of cake that was previously hidden behind the bowls. He gestures Matsuri to come and eat while carefully reading the reactions of the other two. Issei naturally has a look of distrust against both the blonde and his mysterious unidentified bowl of ramen. Dert curiously swirls around the ramen broth with squinted eyes. Matsuri sat down at the table and stared at the bowl as well.

Naruto took the initiative to show that the noodles weren't poisoned and ate first. Matsuri followed in afterwards and ate it with a surprising amount of gusto. Dert shrugged and followed soon afterwards and slowly ate. Issei gave in last and ate the noodles. Everyone had a varied look of enjoyment to their bowl of noodles. Naruto, like everything else that involved the word ramen, finished his bowl and cake in thirty seconds flat. Dert, who looked like he ate slowly, finished next and slurped up the remaining broth with zest. Matsuri was the third to clean off her bowl and cake with a contemplating lick of her lips. Issei finished last as usual and sat his bowl to the corner. The four sat in silence once more, each one taking up there own thinking pose.

"...So? How was it?" Naruto leaned back on his chair so that he can get a good read on everyone. The others gave his question some thought and it was Matsuri who answered first.

"I liked how you instilled the essence of the kitsune ramen into my bowl. The flavor of your dark coffee broth went well with the erratic combination that the kitsune special had to begin with. The cake that was supposed sweetened the taste bud against the bitterness of the coffee only went to emphasize the multiple combination levels of the saltiness and sweetness within the bowl. It tasted surprisingly well for such a strange mixture." As always, Matsuri gave a lengthy description of what she liked about the ramen to boast Naruto's confidence level.

"Though not as descriptive as Matsuri-san, I thought that you handled the flavoring of the dark coffee beans quite well. To bring out its taste and natural sweetness with none of the bitterness is quite something." Dert gave his approval after Matsuri finished.

"...It tasted good..." Issei, the ever flatulent food critic that he is, said after everyone finished.

"...Hmhmm." Naruto nodded at each of the critics that his ramen got. He smiled at each positive remark and finally said "So if you had a chance, would you eat this ramen again?"

"I would eat anything Naruto-sama makes."

"I could go for it on occasions."

"It's better than plain pork ramen so sure, why not."

"Great! Then you can help me finish off the other seven experimental pots!"

Dert and Issei immediately made a run for the exit.

* * *

><p>"Hmmm, he said that they got in line early. I wonder where they are..." Issei mutters to himself as he walks along a crowded line that's waiting for the midnight release of a certain dating sim called "Love School-Fest!" It's supposedly the second edition to the the first "Love School-Fest!" that Issei remembered he once bought an otome version of and left at Naruto's but couldn't find any information about it on the net other than the fact that it's a ghost game afterwards. He had told Naruto about it as well as his intentions to buy the second "Love School-Fest!" and Matsuri immediately jumped at the news. Somehow or another, Naruto ended up scheduling a meeting at the midnight release with everyone. According to the text, Naruto and Matsuri got there early, Dert came a while later and Issei was the last one due to his homework. Who knew Matsuri was a fan of that franchise.<p>

After walking pass half of the crowd and still not seeing them, Issei pulled out his phone and call Naruto's. The blonde answered his phone on the third ring.

"Hey Naruto, where're you guys?"

"Hmmm, you must be pretty far off if you haven't seen us yet..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just keep walking and you'll see what I'm talking about yawnnnnn..."

"Geez, don't fall asleep before I get there. You're the one who planned this. At least have the dignity to be awake enough to buy the game yourself."

"Yawnnnn~ Sorry, it's just really comfortable..."

"Comfortable? It's half raining out here, how're you confor-" Issei made a half choking, half snorting sound as he saw what Naruto meant.

"Ah, you're here. I see you over there. Hi Issei~!" A little distance off, Naruto started waving at Issei with one hand while he held a cellphone in the other. He was sticking his head out of a large orange camping tent that was big enough to comfortably hold six people. The tent had wheels under it and two oars sticking out on the sides. If that wasn't ridiculous enough, the smell of food that wafted out of the tent as he got closer sure made up for it. He ignored the weirded out look that he got from the other game buyers as he walked up to the tent and went inside.

"Ah, Issei-kun just in time. The hotpot is almost ready." Matsuri greeted Issei as he walks in. She sat at the low lying table in the middle of the tent while cooking the hotpot's broth. Naruto was at one side of the tent playing his portable GS and rolling around comfortably on a bunch of blankets like some sort of lazy overgrown house pet. Dert was on another side reading a magazine while sipping his coffee.

"...Seriously? Couldn't you have just waited in the line like normal people?"

"Normal is overrated-" Dert begins in monotone, like it was a practiced line that he had prepared for this occasion.

"Eccentric people is what makes the world go round." Naruto finished with a smirk.

"..." Issei rolled his eyes and smiled in exasperation, he couldn't argue with that whimsical sounding line. He walked over to Matsuri to help her with anything she might need help with. She asked him to prepare some plates and get the drinks from the cooler. He laid the plates and the chopsticks on the four sides of the table and filled three cups of ice for himself, Matsuri and Naruto. Dert didn't need any as he already got his coffee. Another five minutes of preparations and Matsuri deemed it good enough to eat.

"Everyone, food's ready."

Naruto caterpillar crawled his way to the table and Dert walked and sat down at the table. Once settled, everyone clapped their hands in unison and said "Itadakimasu!" Each one began chowing down their own food of choice. Dert ladled some soup, Issei cooked some meat, Naruto got two eggs and Matsuri went hot pot shogun. It was a quiet meal that finished in roughly half an hour. Dert volunteered to go throw away the disposable since he also needs a refill of coffee. Matsuri cleaned the mess within five minutes and Issei found himself with one problem, how's he going to spend the leftover four hours before the midnight opening? Naruto had his portable game, Dert got his magazines, Matsuri isn't ADHD enough to lose her mentality after sitting still for more than an hour but Issei has none of those features. He almost wished he brought some homework. Matsuri, as if noticing Issei's problem, tapped him on his shoulder and brought out a pink portable PXP system.

"Issei-kun, would you like to help me clear some routes from the first "Love School-Fest!" that I have trouble with? It's the tsundere route that Naruto-sama refuses to touch no matter what." Matsuri gave a sort of troubled smile at Naruto's direction as the blonde noticeably becomes lazier in his fortress of blankets. Issei had to hold himself back from jumping the silver haired girl while screaming "Matsuri~! You're such a bro!"

Five minutes into game on the tsundere route was all it took for Issei to nearly throw the PXP out of the window hole. Whoever the hell thought that the idea of combining the cool and collected attitude of a kuudere and the abrasive words of a tsundere was a good one ought to seppuku themselves. Seriously, there isn't even a noticeable route! What kind of bad end is it when the heroine hands the player a poisoned bento with the classic tsundere line "I had extra, it's not like I made it for you or anything. Hmph." Even Matsuri's eyebrow is twitching noticeably!

"...Ah, so that's it. Yes, the heroine just has bad cooking capabilities. All we need to do is raise the poison resistance stat for our character before continuing her route. Yes, that must be it." Matsuri decided with a scary smile on her face. Issei didn't even want to figure out how she plans on discovering the poison resistance skill.

Twenty minutes in and Issei starts to slowly back away from Matsuri inches by inches. The silverette was letting loose enough concentrated killing intent to cause illusions of death scenarios to happen from the corner of his eyes if he stayed close enough to her. So far, they discovered around two thirds of the bad ends that was programmed into game and the heroine is still actively trying to kill them. First was the poison cooking, then came the accidental flaming arrow headshots. After came the real sword kendo fights and the bare-handed wrestling contest (with her pet bears, plural). The latest attempt that ticked Matsuri off extra hard was the heorine "accidentally" dropping a pot of steaming hot ramen broth onto the main character from eight buildings up.

Forty minutes into game and Naruto joined in. He gave the tsundere one look and said "Creepy ass Uchiha bastard." Though neither Matsuri nor Issei knew what an Uchiha is, they both nodded in yes when they registered the emotions behind his voice. Naruto really did throw the PXP out the window hole when he saw the "travesty she did to ramen". Dert walked in a moment later, rubbing his head and giving the group a raised eyebrow while waiving around a pink PXP. The group silently crowded Matsuri as she continued to play.

One hour and sixty two bad ends away, the group cheered as the tsundere finally admits that she likes the main character's hardiness and occasional company. They groaned again when she drugs them and sold them off to some shady black market. Make that sixty three deaths.

Thirty minutes after the first hour, Naruto (following Kurama's advice) discovers the hidden immortal skill that was a major part of the tsundere route. The only way to get it though was to save the world from space invading aliens while playing in a F*nal Fantasy like setting. The group groans some more and Naruto said the thing that was in the group's mind. "Who allowed the idiot that wrote the game script for "School Love-Fest!" to write the tsundere route?"

Three hours and fifty minutes into the game and everyone half heartedly cheered aloud again for defeating the third and (hopefully) final boss to finish the tsundere route. They then quickly braced themselves for the death that is to come following anything that is good within the tsundere route. After five seconds of dialogue and no sudden death, the group relaxes by a tiny fraction and pressed on.

"Thank you for freeing me from the curse that has rid my mind. Though don't let it get to your head either! I-it's not like I like you or anything, hmph!" The in game tsundere said after kissing the main character on the cheek.

"Ahhhh, finally... something that's normal~" Naruto basked in the normalness of the scene that played out before him.

"Finally, we finished this game fully..." Matsuri puts down the PXP and gives a wistful smile at it. It felt good to finish one of her sister games, even if it wasn't "School Love-Fest!"

"Hahaha, the anxiety of the game shaved off half of my coffee cup. That was truly a mind boggling game." Dert laughs and leaned against the tent's wall to relax.

"...Wait a minute guys, there's still some more text after the ending credits..." Issei told his friends and clicked the go button.

"Though, that doesn't mean I won't kill you now~ Teehee!" The ending credits was died in the blood of the main character and the screen showed the familiar bad end text that everyone knew by heart. Everyone held a schocked face for a few seconds before screaming aloud "DAMN TSUNDERE!" just as the midnight bell rang for the opening of the second "Love School-Fest!".

Incidentally and much to everyone's horror, the second game was held in the future of the first game and had the tsundere as the mother figure. The first three minutes were filled with blood and bad ends.

* * *

><p>AN<p>

Idiot #1: Sup! Welcome to another weird as heck installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". We got some news to say so listen up~!

Idiot #2: As it turns out, script writing was one of the big no no(s) in this website so we are now forced to start writing like normal people.

Idiot #3: Because of that, our writing capabilities are lowered by 400% making updates impossibly further and further away from each other.

Idiot #1: ...Isn't that just because you guys are lazy as hell? I finished my part in the Festival and Coffee Ramen within two da-

Idiot #2: #3! Stop him from typing anymore classified information! He hasn't fix the backspace button yet!

Idiot #3: Konohagakure Hidden Secret Taijutsu Technique: One Thousand Years of Death!

Idiot #1: GAH!

Idiot #2: Phew, that was a close shave. For a moment, I really thought that he'd reveal that he practically wrote four fifth of the story while we only imputed some subplots here and there.

Idiot #3: Yeah, that was a close one.

Idiot #2: Anyways, since #1 is out of commission, I guess it's my job to tell you guys that the three of us have no idea what we're writing. Seriously, we've never watched Highschool DxD or read its light novel and manga adaption.

Idiot #3: We did read a few fanfic of it but none of those made it pass Kokabiel's arc so we're pretty much walking in the dark after the Bromance of the Three Kingdoms arc... please help. We're too lazy to read the novel and wiki told us a sum total of jack.

Idiot #2: So yeah... that's it.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	4. Surprise ramen

"Oh hey, I think I have a bite." Issei says as he feels a light pull on his fishing rod. He held his rod still for a couple of tense seconds before the line was pulled, indicating that he hooked a fish.

"Really?" Matsuri came over to him with a fishing net and a bucket of stream water that already held some fishes within.

"Yup, a feisty one too." The brunette said as he attempts reel in his second fish of the day. Matsuri fished out a valiantly struggling medium sized fish with the net in her hands. Swiftly removing the hook, she gently displace the fish into the pail of lake water that held a number of other fishes.

"That makes eight. This number should be about enough. Everyone~! We have enough now~!" Matsuri calls out to the other two fishers from further along the stream. Dert jolted awake from his nap and knocked over the fishing rod that was being held to his side by two big stones. The middle aged man looks around and halfheartedly wipes off his dribble before his brain starts to process what's happening around him. Naruto looks at the fish within his hand, shrugged and threw it back into the water. He then started to waddle back to shore to dry himself off and throw on the rest of his clothes. Apparently Naruto logic equates that all ninjas must have a semi-tolerable mastery of bare handed fishing techniques.

"I'll start making the dough and noodles." The blonde said as he walks to the table that held the ramen supplies Matsuri had spread out earlier.

"I'll start on the broth." Matsuri declares as she follows Naruto to the table.

"Me and Issei will clean the fish." Dert announces as he gets off his lawn chair and walks to Issei with the gathered tools for gutting and cleaning the fishes that were caught.

"Hmmm" Issei groans as he stands up from the spot that he has sat on for more than an hour. He stretched loudly to pop his stiff back and looks at the sun, the flaming ball was barely up to noon hours. It really is hard to believe that they have been here for hours especially since they were all at the ramen shop just that morning.

-Earlier that day-

"YAWNNNN~!" Issei noisily exhales as he slumps over the remains of his weekend homework. He glances at Naruto to see the blonde staring blankly at the game screen without really reading the text. Matsuri was absently standing next to Naruto with a dazed look as well and Dert was... well, Dert. The guy's blood is coffee, there's no doubt that he cannot get tired or even dazed.

"Hmm, this shop gives off a lethargic atmosphere these days doesn't it?" Dert comments as he makes the same assessment as Issei. The man puts down his newspaper and looks around the shop. It was empty, save for maybe one or two regulars that might come later for lunch, the shop is bound to have no more customers today.

"Sigh, can't help it. The shop sometimes hit a funk and the atmosphere roughens up because of it. It's part of business after all." Naruto shrugs as he turns off the game system he wasn't really playing and turns back to Dert and Issei.

"Perhaps a change of atmosphere might help." Matsuri suggested as she went to make some tea for Naruto, Dert and Issei. The three turned to her to have her add some details and she explains "We haven't been gone out to do anything fun in the sun for a while now. At most, each of us stay out for an hour to do a task before cramming ourselves back into the shop. In fact, the last time we did anything outside was when we went to buy the second "Love School-Fest!" game. Therefore, I suggest that we do something fun this weekend to liven ourselves up." The three males in the room shivered in phantom pain as they remembered the train wreck of a game that was "Love School-Fest!"

"...It's fishing season and I know a good spot a little west of here." Naruto suggested as he remembered a certain forest in his memory. If he remembered correctly there was multiple streams and lakes that could've make a good camping spot.

"What a coincidence, I happened to have the camping tent and fishing gears required for a weekend stay in the woods in my van." Dert throws in as he supports the first idea to do something active. Playing games in fun but being in the sun might not be so bad.

"...Guess I'll call my parents to say I'm going to be out with you guys for a while." Issei gets up and pulls out his phone while walking to the entrance to get a better signal. He paused while dialing and turns back to the blonde. "Hey Naruto, can I borrow some of your clothes? It'll be kinda inconvenient to go back to my place and get some." The blonde shrugs and asks Matsuri, who's already going upstairs, to pack a few extra pair of clothes for Issei.

"Would you need any extra sets as well Dert-san?" Matsuri asks the middle aged man. He shook his head and pulled a duffel bag filled with clothes and other necessities. The girl nodded and continued her trudged upwards to prepare for a small trip.

It took ten minutes total for Dert to pull up the van, Matsuri to pack everything and Naruto to close down the shop for the weekend. Once everyone was comfortable and seated, Dert turned on the van's engine and started nudging the gas pedal forward.

-In Dert's van-

"OI! AT LEAST SLOW DOWN! THERE'S A CURVE COMING!" Issei held on for his dear life as the middle aged madman drove a van far past it's built in limits. The manically grinning man stepped on the pedals of the van at seemingly random intervals for the car to gain even more speed before strongly twisting the wheel. The car drifted on the road and, for a moment, Issei leaned out the window due to the momentum and saw the railings scarce millimeters away from his door. He was slammed back into his seat as the car regains it's course and continued accelerating on the mountain pass... that were full of turns... "Ding". "SOMEONE STOP THIS MAN ALREADY!"

"Ahahaha, the fun is part of the journey Issei-kun." Dert laughs off Issei's plea for salvation and pressed the gas pedal even more. According to the GPS, the next curve is in two minutes at normal speed limits and roughly thirty seconds at his speed. "Nartuto-san, Matsuri-san, can you move to the left this time? We're about to make another turn~."

"..." Naruto grimaced as he moves himself and by extension, Matsuri, who was sprawled out half-conscious on his lap. He barely made it too as Dert pulled on the wheel the very instant his butt touched the leather seating. his left hand shot up to grab the hand bar above the door's window while the his right hand was used to hold on tightly to the slightly more unconscious than before Matsuri. He grunted at the sharp turn that should definitely not be possible with a van. Matsuri groaned a little and he patted her back to calm her nauseousness. Issei, who had a front row seat, made a sound that almost reminded the blonde of a dying toad, his face looks like one too.

"Ahahaha, see? Isn't this fun?" Dert airily laughs as he took the time to accelerate the van some more on the temporarily straight path. Naruto popped a comical red vain and Issei spazzingly twitched.

""LIKE HELL IT IS!""

**"Eh, really? I like it..."**

"...Only you Kurama, only you..." Naruto mutters lowly as he braces himself and Matsuri for the next turn that was coming up. Matsuri whimpers as she hopes that Kurama-san didn't somehow encouraged Dert to attempt any crazier road tricks than what he has already shown.

-Evening at camp-

""""Slurrrrrrrrp""""

"...This turned out pretty good for some impromptu ingredients." Naruto assesses his ramen bowl as he shovels the thing down his throat similarly to that of a starved whale.

"The stock made from the fresh fish definitely enrich the flavors." Matsuri confirms as she delicately sips the broth that was her handiwork. She had uneven feelings about not having the full arsenal of kitchen spices and utensils to use but the soup that she's tasting is potentially better than even most of her better works.

"Does anyone want some coffee?" Dert offers up a freshly made pot of coffee. Naruto held out a cup and Matsuri declined politely. Issei rolled his eyes and muttered something about the weirdness of drinking coffee at night.

"...Y'know, aren't we supposed to be camping in the middle of the woods? Why're we eating ramen?" Issei finally throws in his voice of reason at the strange setting. Here they were, roughly three hours (Dert's measurement) away from the nearest piece of civilization, surrounded by trees for a hour's worth of walking, having nothing to illuminate them but the stars and moon in the sky and what were they doing? Eating ramen. Seriously, at least have the decency to make marshmallow smores and cracker or something... no wait, Naruto would probably attempt to turn the marshmallows into stock for his ramen. This might actually be the better route, however strange it is.

"In essence, ramen is the refinement of the raw materials of the earth. In order to embrace the true feeling of camping, one must also embrace his love for mother nature and henceforth, ramen. This is truly the only way for us campers to truly bring out the truest quality of this journey." Naruto sagely says while stroking his blonde fu manchu.

"Coffee is also an refinement of the earth, you should start embracing that as well Issei-kun." Dert wisely inputs while offering the pot of warm coffee once more.

"...Tea is earthly as well." Matsuri, who didn't want to be left out of the conversation, inputs as well. The silver haired girl refilled Issei's half empty tea cup and smiled when the brunette thanks her on pure instinct and well worn manners.

"...This ramen is pretty good."

"""Yeah."""

- Nighttime inside the tent-

"Good night Issei."

"Good night Issei-kun."

"Good night Issei-kun."

"...I really don't want to ask but, what the hell are you guys doing?"

All eyes turns to Issei, who was curled up in his sleeping bed, as he asks the question. They all gave Issei a questioning stare as if to ask if it wasn't obvious enough. Issei answers with a deadpan stare.

"As you can see, we are obviously playing a game." Naruto answers with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, I can clearly see that. However, what I'm referring to is-" Issei twitched his hand to point at the device which his three tent mate are using to play their game. "-THE HUGE ASS FLAT SCREEN PLASMA TELEVISION! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP LIKE THIS?!"

"Ah, I guess we could lower the brightness and resolutions." Matsuri inputs as she discovers her friend's dilemma.

"Nononono, that's not it. I meant what the hell is a flat screen television doing in the middle of the woods. How is it even functioning with no electrical supply? Actually, how did you even bring that thing without me noticing?"

"Oh so that's it. Well Issei-kun, this is no normal everyday huge ass flat screen plasma television. This, is special huge ass flat screen plasma television."

Issei raised an eyebrow.

"Through the power of a whole lot of cash and even more whole lot of bullshit science, my company has completed the anti-energy powered technology. The first ever in the line of gadgets to be able to run on the power of not having any power. Don't ask how that works, I don't know either." Dert proudly pats the television with pride. He then turns to Issei and says "And besides, you were the one that carried it here Issei-kun."

Issei stared at Dert with a flat face and muttered "So that's why it was so heavy." Then he stared at Matsuri, and then Naruto. The brunette heaved a great sigh and crawled his sleeping bag over to the group. "So what games are you playing?"

-The second morning-

CRASH!

Issei woke up with a jolt as a loud crash resounded in his surroundings. He took a moment to pull his mind from the barrier between awake and unconsciousness and looked around. The first thing he noticed was the demolished tent that he, Dert, Naruto and Matsuri had slept in. He then noticed that he wasn't in said shredded tent. He then felt himself being shifted and looked down to see the ground. He looks to his side to see Matsuri holding one hand on his shoulder and another against a tree's trunk. It took him another moment to figure out that he was on a branch of a tree. Why? What happen?

"Wha-"

"Shhh, lower your voice Issei-kun. We can't afford to attract the enemy." The silverette holds one finger to her mouth and spoke in a hushed tone.

"...What's happening." Finally getting some bearings, the brunette asks the girl in a hushed tone.

CRASH!

"We attracted a bear and some wild scavengers with the lingering smell of yesterday's meal." The girl says as she immediately turns her head to another crashing sound from nearby.

"..." Issei turned his head towards the sound as well and saw a huge white tiger slam into a tree and make a giant gash with its claws. A figure darted out from underneath the tiger's claw and when it took Issei a scant second to recognize the figure as Dert. "Wait, I thought you said a bear. Why's there a tiger?!" He silently exclaims to the girl while watching his friend dodge under another trounce from the white beast, all while still sipping from his coffee cup.

"Naruto-sama went to distract the bear but somehow led it to a tiger's den. A few incidents followed and Dert is now distracting the tiger while Naruto-sama finishes off the bear."Matsuri reports while pulling out a bamboo stick and some blow darts and looks at the tools regretfully. "He also told me to support Dert-san but my skills with these weapons have yet to be refined in training with Naruto-sama."

"No, I don't think you need to refine anything like that." Issei seriously waves his hands in a no gesture while giving the girl a deadpan for even taking the blonde's insane idea of training into consideration.

"Ah..." Dert's voice echoed under the pair and they turned their attention to below the tree. They saw Dert widened his eyes in surprise when he looked up and saw the two and widened some more when he noticed that the tiger saw the two. The man stood there in silence, probably to think of an effective plan to lure the tiger's attention away from the two above and back towards him, as the tiger pounced. He squared his shoulder and bent his knees, as if getting ready to charge, when an orange and yellow blur appeared from the foliage nearby and intercepted the tiger's attack feet to face.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" BAM!

Knocking the tiger completely off of its course, the blonde used his rebounding momentum to flip four times in the air before landing right next to Dert.

"Get ready to bolt to the forest on my mark." The blonde with the shredded orange t-shirt (and surprisingly no injuries) simply said as he gave Dert, Matsuri and Issei a quick once over. "...NOW!"

As if by command, a bear barreled through the same foilage that Naruto jumped out of and crashed into the tiger. The white beast gathered enough sense after Naruto's attack to retaliate against the bear and a fight between forest predators broke loose. Dert immediately circled the tree and ran straight into the woods as Naruto instructed. Matsuri fireman carried Issei and jumped down the tree branch. Issei grunted as he quickly separated from Matsuri and bolted off after Dert with the silverette besides him.

-In the woods-

"...Huff, huff, huff... I think we're safe now." After god knows how long minutes of running, Dert declared the okay mark while leaning against a random tree. Matsuri huffed a sigh of relieve and sat against a tree to gather her breath. Issei all but fell on his butt as he caught on with his much needed oxygen supply. Once the brunette managed a safe enough level, he noticed something grave.

"...Hey, where's Naruto?"

"..." Dert's face became noticeably grim as he turns towards the direction where they came from. "Naruto-san volunteered himself to retrieved an important object of ours."

"Eh?" Issei tried to make sense of the statement. He didn't remember anything that important being with them in the tent... but then again, he didn't pay much attention to the camp. The brunette looks back at Naruto's direction and scrunched up his brows in worry.

"Don't worry Issei-kun, Naruto-sama said that he'll meet up with us at the van." Matsuri pats his shoulder.

"...When'd he tell you that?" Issei looks at the silver haired girl with a questioning look.

"Hmm? You didn't notice him gesturing it with his eyes when he looked at us?" Matsuri looks back at the boy with a questioning look of her own.

"...I must've missed the class that taught us that." Issei rolled his eyes and looked back at Dert. The middle aged man was looking at a compass and a protractor in his hand. He took a sip of his coffee and puts the tools back into his pocket.

"Alright, guess we'll have to end our trip early and go back. If I calculated this correctly, the van is this way." Dert begins walking in a random direction with a resolute face.

"Come, Issei-kun." Matsuri pats his shoulder once more and followed after Dert.

"..." Issei looks at Naruto's direction once more and wished the blonde good luck and safety.

-The van-

Thanks to Dert's expert navigation skills, the group made it back to a familiar dirt path that leads to where the middle aged man had parked his car. It took another half hour before they actually made it to the vehicle but they still made it. The sun was high up in the sky so it must be around afternoon. Issei was the first to spot the white van and practically ran to it in joy. No more walking, huzzah!

When the group got near the van, they all noticed a mop of blonde hair. Naruto stood casually leaning his back against the van with his eyes closed. He twitched when he heard them coming and gave a lazy smile when they were all in sight. Matsuri smiled back and walked to stand besides him. Dert smirked and sipped his coffee. Issei grinned as he saw that the blonde's condition was no worse for wear.

"So did you get it?" Dert asks as he inserts the car keys into the keyhole to unlock the van's door.

"Of course." Naruto turned his lazy smile into a full grown grin and reached into his t-shirt pocket.

"What was it that you were risking your live to get?" Issei asks so that he can finally cool down his curiosity for what it is that the blonde values so much. He spent a good portion of the walk back worrying about the blonde after all. It's only natural to be curious about the object of the worry's worries.

"It can only be this of course. We did spend a good portion of the night playing it." Naruto proudly pulls out a completely unscratched game disk that they played yesterday. Issei's eyebrow twitched and the brunette screamed

"GIVE ME BACK MY WORRY DAMMIT!"

* * *

><p>"SLAM!" The door to Naruto's ramen shop was forcibly pushed open with a loud slamming sound. Naruto and Dert looked up from the latest dating sim that they're trying their hands on and looked at the culprit of the loud distraction. Matsuri sticks her head out of the kitchen's interior in order to see who had caused the loud noise. It didn't take them by surprise to see that the perpetrator was no one other than the missing member of their group, Issei Hyoudou.<p>

They were however, surprise at the sight of the brunette leaning heavily against the door and panting. His clothes were wrinkled and he was lightly perspiring. If one had to guess, he was probably running straight to the shop as soon as school was out. The teen took in two deep breathes and held up a letter that was crumpled within his hands.

"Guess what, the midterms score came back and I don't have to take a retest." The brunette smiles in a semi-hysterical manner as he straightens up from catching his breath. He smoothens the wrinkles on his clothes and practically skips to the table where Naruto and Dert sat.

"So what's the grade?" Naruto quickly saves the dating sim that he and Dert was playing to pay full attention to his friend. Dert sipped his coffee in interest (how'd he even show emotion through sipping coffee?).

"Nah, not yet. I wanted to open it up along with you guys. Cause, y'know, you practically crammed the answers down my throat." Issei sits down at the regular table and thanks Matsuri for giving him a cup of tea at the same moment. The silver haired girl nodded and went to sit by Naruto's side.

"And you're welcome for that." Dert curtly replies.

"Yeah thanks, I appreciated the lack of sleep and the insane amount of coffee you directly injected into me through intravenous therapy." Issei rolled his eyes and tears open the letter. He pulled out three thick sheets of copy paper and spreaded it out onto the table for everyone to read. The first was a letter that states the purpose and other technical stuff of the report card to begin with. Nobody minded the fact that Naruto crumbled it up and threw it away three seconds after reading it. The second was a numerical representation of the grades of each tests in color with each subjects.

Letter: Japanese (96);English (98);Social Studies (94);Mathematics (100);Science (98); Total Grade (486); Rank (3rd of class) / Special Notes: Due to his failing in normal studies, it is more than surprising to see Issei-kun do so well on his tests. This concludes that under the deep exterior of a hooligan lies a studious young man. It is suggested that Mister and Missus Hyoudou attempt to draw out the inner student to appear in a more everyday life manner as opposed to urgent problems such as term tests.

Issei stared at the score with wide eyes of disbelief, Naruto gave a "Ha!" at the special notes the facility decided to give to Issei while thinking that they couldn't be any more wrong, Dert whistles lowly at the ranking while sipping his coffee, and Matsuri did some mental recollection of the problems that Issei might've missed during the test date so that she could tutor it to him next time.

"...How is it possible that I've got such a high grade?" Issei finally found his voice after a moment of silence that followed each grade looker's reaction. He tried to remember the hazy memories that were associated with the test. Though he did accomplished to most of the questions given, there were a few that he was sketchy on but still decided to wing. Matsuri only actively went out of her "encouragement zone" to discreetly help him cheat when he's having too much of a hard time trying to solve a problem (which was only three times, if he remembered correctly). High eighties were what he was expecting, at most.

"It would be surprising if you didn't get such high scores. After all, Matsuri dedicated quite a bit of time for hacking and organizing in order to gather up the study materials you had to go through." Naruto looks at the grades and scowls at the fact that Issei didn't make rank one on this attempt. He made a mental note make the brunette study more efficiently for the next test that's coming in a month or so, the finals.

"Still, for Issei-kun to actually remember his crammed up study materials, maybe the special notes is on to something." Dert smiles as he hints the blonde to _help_ Issei bring out his inner student. Issei caught onto the hint and glares at Dert, at if to tell him to shut up before the blonde gets any idea.

"Anyways, what's this third letter?" Matsuri held up the third piece of paper on the table. It was a letter that was addressed to Issei. Matsuri looked in Issei's direction and the brunette waved his hand to silently allow the girl to read the letter aloud.

(Letter)

_Dear Hyoudou Issei _

_'Congratulations on getting third rank in your class. It is a pleasant surprise to see that a student who's worried us so much do so well on his test. Especially when said student have tied up to the measures of two other student council members whom have received our tutoring. It gives us great pleasure to applaud your efforts to show your academic excellence and show us why you belong to Kuoh Academy.  
><em>

_On the basis of your excellent test grades, the student council would like to extend a cordial invitation for you to become a member of Kuoh Academy's student council. Here, we will be able to help you in any academic endeavors as well as curbing your capricious habits to make you into a model student.  
><em>

_We hope that you'll consider this opportunity. _

_Sincerely, student council president Souna Shitori.'_

Issei was once again slack-jawing himself by the time Matsuri finished reading the letter. He was being invited to join the student council? He was being invited by cool and charismatic president of Kuoh Academy to join the student council? Him? The teenage student who gets himself sent to after school detention every other day of the week for peeking was being "cordially invited" to the student council?

"...So you're thinking of joining Issei-kun?" Dert asks as Issei adopted a semi-serious thinking face.

"I don't know... maybe." Issei hesitantly answers the middle aged man's question. "They're only inviting me because I made a good grade on the midterms and gave them the impression that I'm a capable, if lazy, student deep inside. If I join them, I might become a more serious student and it might do me some good. Though, I'm hesitating because feel like I might screw something up. What do you guys think?"

Dert, Naruto and Matsuri then adopted a semi-serious thinking face as well while imagining what would happen if Issei became a part of the student council (Naruto even pulled out a few pieces of paper to draw it out). The female council members would probably quit on the first day. Letters requesting ridiculous things such as a change in dress-code to bunny girl outfits for the female side would increase exponentially. The school buildings being remodeled so that anything female related will have two sided see through glass installed to every wall. The hedges and tree grooming will all be trimmed so that the plants will all have an oppai-ish shape. The name Kuoh Academy will be changed to Oppai Academy and all male students will be indefinitely suspended from the school ground so that Issei can be the only male in the school full of female members onl-

"-Oi! Stop your imagination right there! The first two were possibilities that can happen but everything else is not!" Issei cuts into the image that Naruto's drawing for Dert and Matsuri. He understands that he might be a bit of a deviant but to have such an descriptive image drawn of him like that... he's not that perverted right? Right?

"...I don't know Issei-kun, I can actually see this happening." Dert rubs his chin while looking at a hand drawn picture of a construction team breaking down the female bathroom walls and replacing it with glass panels, there was a flag with Issei's name waving around in the background.

"...Dert."

"I'm sorry Issei-kun but I cannot see anything else other than this happening if you were to hold a position of power." Matsuri flips to a page that shows Issei laughing manically on a throne over a group of teenage girls wearing bunny uniform.

"...Matsuri?"

"Give it up and lose all hopes of joining Issei. An oppai-lover like you have no place in an organization as prestigious as the student council. It'll only end up destroying civilization." Naruto pats his brunette friend on the shoulder. Issei turned around to see Naruto holding up four pages of connected pictures showing a world where everything was in ruins and the only survivor was Issei with nothing but a pair of striped panties in his hands.

"GUH! THAT'S TOO MUCH DAMMIT! I'M NOT THAT MUCH OF AN OPEN PERVERT!" Issei broke down immediately as Naruto deals the last blow. Pervert or not, it still hurts to be accuse of being one in front of everybody. It's more of a painful blow when everybody wholly agrees with it. With the last straw smashed to fine powdered smithereens, Issei ran out of the ramen shop in tears while Naruto and Dert followed him out the door yelling "Wait up oppai! It was a joke!" and "Oppai-kun! We were just kidding!" One could literally hear the palpable enjoyment coming from their voice as Issei only ran faster.

* * *

><p>It was a long time since the faithful night when he had awoken in an unfamiliar forest. He was now sitting at the edge of a cliff, watching the beautiful scene of a luscious green forest and a roaring waterfall. It reminded him of his precious home... and it reminded him of his guilt.<p>

At first, he would think of the beautiful village hidden in the leafs everyday and every night, in every moment of his conscious thoughts. Whether he was focusing on information gathering about the new world with his clones or making a fake/real identity, his first and foremost thought would always be about his friends and the hidden village they reside in.

How were they faring with the reconstruction of their home. Are they still at peace and in alliance with the other villages? How were his friends and allies doing? How were Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chan coping with the after effects of war? Did Sasuke ever returned to the village? Was Sasuke even alive? The blonde's last moment with the bastard was when they were free-falling through the air. The blonde fell through the accursed Rabbit Princess's tunnel and landed on the grounds of the forest with no momentum but Sasuke didn't. Was the raven haired teen okay? Was Hinata okay? Was Fuzzy Brow-sensei okay? His Six Path Sage Mode's Yang healing technique was rough patchwork at most. Was Teuchi and Ayame okay? Did they evacuate in time with the other civilians? Was Ichiraku's ramen shop rebuilt by now?

It was a number of small and disjointed thoughts but he had thought of them everyday and every night. Soon though, this changed. Everyday became every other day and every night became every other night. Then every other day and every other night became every other week, then months, and now, a year. He had noticed this too late. He feared that he has lost the love he held for the village, however small the lost was. The village became a second priority on his mental list, then a third, then a fourth, and then near the bottom.

The village in the leafs became a distant memory since he knew he couldn't return. It stopped being the one most important thing to the blonde. It disappeared from his mind like a fog that has been lifted by the sun. That was the cause of his guilt. He has outgrown his most beloved home. He has moved on from his one home. To him, it has become a thing of the past. His home was gone. And he was stuck here.

The blonde made a decision.

The week after that decision, Uzumaki's Ramen shop opened. The blonde made a new home for himself and found new friends. The leaf's Naruto is gone, only a memory that he'll hold to his dying breath. But now, all that is left is this Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki of Earth. And he is sure to protect the home that he's built here and the friends that he's made, just like he did with his last. This is his will, his Will of Fire.

* * *

><p>"Class, please turn to page fifty three. Matsuda-kun can you read the third paragraph for me?" Dert finishes writing a sentence in English on the chalkboard and calls out a random name from the attendance roster. Matsuda dutifully reads the paragraph in amazingly butchered English as Dert walks up and down the rows trying to imitate what a normal teacher would do.<p>

Issei stares out the window and sighs for not the last time of this day. The brunette looks back to his textbook to allocate where his bald friend is reading in the text and lets his mind wanders off some more. First period, it was his normal teacher teaching social studies. Second period, it was an older looking Matsuri with light make up and an extra batch of Bro-ness to teach science. Now it was third period and Dert decides to jump in to teach English. If this is continued, then that blonde will be next to teach math. He sigh again as he figured that Naruto's probably wandering around the school somewhere, no doubt causing some sort of ridiculous trouble aimed at him.

The brunette briefly sighs aloud under his breath and read the text that Dert has assigned to him in the half-baked English skills that the man had once drilled him in. Not for the first time in a long while, the brunette thinks to himself

_'Seriously, what's wrong with this school's staff management system? Does this school hire anyone who signs up for an attempt at the teacher's job?'_

* * *

><p>The air within the student council office was suffocating. Everyone within the room has stopped moving not too long ago. They were to fearful to even twitch. There were only two people that had the freedom to move. The first was a blonde as he leaned back into his seat while glaring at the girl before him. The second was the girl as she finishes signing a document. The girl sighs aloud, or, at least enough for the man glaring at her to hear. She slowly puts down her pen and raises her head to look at the threatening person sitting in front of her.<p>

"Is there anything I can help you with ?"

"...Stay away from Hyoudou Issei."

The statement made Sona raised an eyebrow fractionally. The name Hyoudou Issei rang a bell. The boy is a first year at Kuoh Academy who somehow got in by the bare minimum grade for the registration exam. He is a potential sacred gear holder that she and Rias had accidentally found not so long ago at the Sanno Festival. He is a hoodlum who likes causing perverse troubles but apparently have a high level of intellect, if his midterms grade were anything to go by. He is, by all means, only a little above a regular teenage boy with no background involving the supernatural world besides the gear in his body.

_'But Apparently the last piece of information is wrong...'_ Sona Sitri inwardly scowl as she tries to identify the being before her. The blonde was too holy to be a devil yet too unholy to be an angel or even their fallen counterparts, the fallen angels. The blonde's magic system were too nonvolatile to be that of a youkai's yet far too develop to be a human's or even a mage. The magic system is too strong, too powerful for her to measure with just her sixth sense alone. Just trying to discern his status, whether it be holy or unholy, already gives her a headache far worse than any she's experience since coming to this school. _'Who is this blonde... what is this blonde.'_

"I have trouble discerning what your intentions are." Leaving the blonde's identity aside, she continues scoping out for his intent and purpose of being here. The man literally showed up out of thin air and oppressed everyone in the room with sheer malice alone. If he is here about Hyoudou Issei, then that means he has found out about the letter sent to him. Is this man also someone who is after the power of the sacred gear?

"You are perfectly aware of what I'm talking about, _non-human-_" He hissed out the last syllables. One of his cold blue eyes changed into a bloody crimson hue with a pitch black slit as it's pupil. Sona could visibly see the tension increasing as her peerage failed to contain their flinches and shivers but she couldn't feel anything, most likely the blonde's attempt to allow her to at least be able to talk. "-We both know you are not interest in him but what's _inside_ of him. I warn you, stay away."

"...What power do you have to be ordering me." She is perfectly aware of the blonde's power and his claim on the boy, Hyoudou Issei, but she still must ascertain who this blonde is and whom he works for. For all she knows, this person might be a devil, an angel (she highly doubted this, due to his overwhelming hostility and killing intent), a fallen angel, a youkai or even a god. An unknown enemy in her (and technically Rias') territory is bad. An unknown enemy that her information source have no records of is even worse.

The blonde growled and for a moment, she felt the pressure he exerted over everyone else in the room. True, it was extremely overbearing and deeply menacing but there was something else in it. A trace of terrible malice that neither shows in Angels, Fallen Angels or Devil. A trace of pent up madness that shows in the youkai race. Something clicked within her mind. Rias' warning about the the youkai association making a base in Tokyo. In other words, Hyoudou Issei is already claimed by the youkais.

"...I understand, _I_ will not make any attempt to entangle Hyoudou Issei within the supernatural world. Is that satisfactory?" She inwardly sighs when the blonde grunted his approval and disappeared the same way he appeared, out of thin air. There was no teleportation circle or even a trace of magic being used but the blonde's presence completely disappeared from everyone in the room's senses. She rubbed her temples as she asked her slightly disoriented vice president and queen, Tsubaki, to get her childhood friend, Rias. It would not do well for the redhead to draw the aggravation of the neutral youkai association into the three factions that are already feral for each other's blood.

* * *

><p>"...Do you think that will be enough Kuruma?"<p>

**"...I doubt it...Isn't that why... you gave the perverse brat a goudama?... For protection?"**

"Somehow, I fear that isn't enough."

**"...You can't keep watch on him... for every moment... of the day... This is all... you can do."**

"Then that means I still haven't done enough to protect my friend."

**"...Stop worrying brat... Isn't it your motto... to deal with the problems... as they come?"**

"...Yeah, I guess I'm worrying for nothing. Thanks Kurama."

**"...Hn...ZZZ..."**

"Hehehe, deal with it as they come huh?" Naruto puts on a rueful smile. "Guess I really shouldn't bother worrying. Now then, I think lunch is about to start soon, I better find a good spot to eat."

* * *

><p>-One Random Night-<p>

"Uhhh, are you sure we should be doing this?" Issei asks for the xth time that day as he looks out from behind a dead light pole that he's hiding under.

"The question is, why haven't we done this earlier!" Naruto harshly whispers back as he huddles up against the walls of an alleyway near Issei's light pole. It really didn't work out for him as his "ninja garb" is bright neon orange jumpsuit.

"Naruto-sama, the coast is clear. I've manage to infiltrate this block's camara systems and am now replaying the scenes from ten minutes back. You are now free of all electronic surveillance." Matsuri's slightly static voice spoke through the blonde's and brunette's earpiece. The girl herself was dressed in her normal wear back in the Uzumaki's Ramen shack with a laptop running random codes on the screen and a headset on her head.

"Good job Matsuri. Issei lets go." Naruto jumps out of the alleyway and immediately moves towards the place of target. He weaves himself in and out of the lights and shadows and kept his body moving at a low angle, becoming nothing more than a blur, a really bright orange blur but a blur nevertheless.

"..." Issei gives his blonde friend a deadpanned look and walked after him, abandoning all pretense of trying to hide himself in the darkness of the night. When he finally made it to where his friend stopped at, he sees the blonde intensely studying an electronic lock. "Hm, that looks hard to crack. Is Matsuri going to put her hand on that too?"

"...No, this is a model that I'm familiar with. I know exactly how to crack it open." the blonde mutters aloud to Issei before getting on his knees and lugging off his neon orange backpack. He rummages through the weighty pack before pulling out... a mallet.

"WAIT! STOP! STOPPPP!" Issei jumps forward and holds Naruto's arms back as the blonde made the motion to swing the chunk of metal on a stick towards the electronic lock. Once he's ascertained that Naruto was not going to attempt to scrap the piece of technology, he immediately scold the blonde in a hushed tone.

"What the hell are you thinking?! Do you want to get us arrested? No wait, this whole plan is going to get us arrested to begin with, but do you want to add more to our already growing list of criminal charges?!"

"..?" Naruto tilts his head at Issei's action before looking down at the mallet and widened his eyes in understanding. "Ah, you misunderstood Issei. I wasn't planning on breaking in that way. Here, look." He slowly puts one of the mallet's faces near the lock again and watched as the tool Dert gave them earlier for their mission worked its charm.

"Wha-" Issei watched in awed as the unassuming mallet within his blonde friend's hand started humming and clicking mechanically. The side that was facing the lock opened up and began shooting some sort of blue light-laser for a few seconds. It stopped when a beep resounded from somewhere inside the machine. Something inside the lock beeped as well and a click could be heard immediately afterwards. Naruto reaches his hand at the handle of the door and gently twisted it to test if the "mallet" did its job.

"..." Seeing no problems occurring, Naruto nodded to Issei before swiftly opening the door and rush inwards. Issei sighs again and follows the blonde while silently whispering "Sorry for the intrusion..." It's not exactly the right thing to say at this moment but it's the feelings that counts after all.

The place that the pair is raiding has eight newly polished tables within it, neatly organized for efficient traveling and a marble counter near the left-middle area. Each table has an open box on it that holds chopsticks and spoons. There were posters of food being displayed in a beautiful manner and red price tags on them littered all over the walls. The air smells like Naruto's breath after lunch break.

Yup, it's just as Matsuri briefed to him. They really are raiding a fellow ramen shop. Reasons? Naruto's claim in that this newly opened shop has been stealing his hard earned customers through cheap tactics and he's here to put a stop to it. Issei claims that this whole pursuit is complete bullshit but further discussions were denied by President Dert (via age seniority, another thing that Issei called bullshit on) until the next meeting which is scheduled for "Somewhen next year on the 13th of never).

Issei followed the blonde as he sneaks behind the counter and walked into the kitchen area. From his own experience of raiding Naruto's kitchen, he would deem that the place is around the same size if not, slightly bigger. He spotted Naruto not so cautiously tossing aside some pots, pans, utensils and kitchen ware in order to look through every drawer and cabinets he sees.

"...Ah-hah! I have found the book that holds their secrets! Issei let us be gone before they realize our presence here!" Naruto opens the kitchen window and jumps out of it, leaving a complete mess of what was once a respectable kitchen. Seeing as he already made enough of a mess today just by following Naruto, the brunette felt that another deed undone wouldn't really tip his karma scale. Issei immediately follows Naruto out of the window not a second later.

-In Naruto's and Matsuri's Room-

"So this is the book that holds all their secrets..." Naruto says as he roughly flops down a nondescript brown journal on the only low lying table in the room.

"...It looks more like an ordinary accounting booklet to me..." Issei, who's sitting across from Naruto, skims through the book for anything important looking and only found a list of ramen ingredients and their prices. Judging from Naruto's intelligence (insanity) level however, Issei wouldn't put it pass the blonde to actually be able to make some sense out of this.

"Ah, that's where you're right and oh so wrong Issei. Nothing is ordinary if you look underneath the underneath." Naruto folded one arm underneath his chest while having the other one nudge up the glasses on his nose (when'd he put that on?) so that the light shines off of them and hides his eyes.

"...Unless this booklet turns into pornmag starring Kieko Kigatawa, I'm not willing to go through the trouble of trying to understand any of your cryptic mumbo-jumbo."

"Ah, what Naruto-sama is trying to say is that there is always a deeper meaning to everything, even when it is something as ordinary as this notebook. If we are to trace the ingredients that are used to entice our customers away, we might be able to find a way to bring them back... I think." Matsuri sets down three cups of tea in front of everyone in the room, Dert having left earlier due to some important work and sat next to Naruto.

"That's exactly right Matsuri! Now then, without further ado, Issei! Read off the list!" The blonde pats Matsuri's head and exasperatingly points at Issei with the command.

"Yeah yeah, let's just get this over with. Lets see now..." Issei rolls his eyes and turned to the first page so that he could read it aloud. "February twenty-third/ Supplies order delivered/ Four large bags of flour, fifty pounds of organic beef, pork and poultry, four boxes of freshly packaged eggs, two fresh immigrant slaves, ten pound of salt, pepper and assorted spices, ten packaged boxes of Momma Yum Yum's special broth, fifteen pounds of seaweed, twenty pounds of fish, shrimp, scallops and assorted seafood,four pounds of "Love", ten pounds of beans and corns, thirty sticks of fresh butter and three boxes of menma."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Matsuri, can you reread this list again to see if I'm reading this right? I'm sure that the lack of sleep on a school night is getting to me." Issei pushes the journal to Matsuri who gingerly takes it up and reads it twice more, once in her head and once aloud.

The list did not change. The questionable items were still there. Before anyone could've said anything, Matsuri took the initiative. and flipped the page and reads the next entry. It is roughly the same as the first page with a few numerical changes for the shipping quantity and prices. The silverette continues to clearly read out the next page with furrowed eyebrows. She then turns the page once more, this time not even pausing, to read again, and again, and again, and again til the journal had no more entries.

Each memo reviews another little stain in the shop's history. Human trafficking, illegal organ dealing, drug trading, black market auctioning, weapon transaction and many other not so hidden secrets.

As the girl continued to read, Issei grew paler and paler as the fact that this is clearly not a badly made joke starts clicking in. Once the silver haired girl stopped talking, he glances sideways at Naruto to see the blonde wearing a deadly serious expression. The blonde was silent for a moment before standing up and walks to his closet. From it, he pulls out a big sports bag with heavy items already inside. He also takes out a small box and pulls a pin out from it. He carefully puts on the pin and lugs the heavy bag on his shoulder while pulling out his phone and dials a number.

"Matsuri, get a guest futon for Issei and get some sleep, I'll be back later." As the blonde closes the door, Issei caught sight of the pin or rather, the badge. It was an intricately designed badge with the letters NPA underneath it. The symbol for the national police agency of Japan. Issei was completely silenced at discovering that fact, his brain overloaded with too many questions.

Both he and Matsuri sat there for a small while before the girl stood up as well and walks towards the only door in the room.

"Matsuri?" Issei manages to asks as he stares at her while she passes him and reaches for the handle. "Where are you going?"

"...I'm following Naruto-sama, you've heard the entries too haven't you Issei-kun? It had an extensive list of weapons in it. I at least want to make sure that Naruto-sama will be fine with my own eyes rather then over a phone."

"...It's dangerous." Issei whispers as an image of his blonde friend being fatally injured and hospitalized flashes through his mind.

"I know. That's exactly why I wish to see Naruto-sama safe and sound with my own eyes rather than waiting in slow, mind-numbing patience." With her piece said, she opens the door and walks out.

"..." Before the door could've completely close, Issei stood up and pushed it aside once more. He twisted the lower handle's lock and closes the door, hoping that the upper lock wouldn't be needed. He turns from the door and made it to the stairs to find Matsuri standing at the bottom, waiting for him. The brunette smiles briefly at how she seems to knows him so well and ran downstairs to follow after Naruto.

-The Other Ramen Shop-

Issei looks out from behind the walls of where Naruto had hidden earlier. Matsuri is hiding behind the light pole that he had took up before. The ramen shop that he and Naruto had invaded earlier is completely empty of all signs of trouble. The door is closed, the lights are out and even the electric lock looks like it is functioning as it should be.

"It doesn't seem like Naruto's here yet." The brunette whispers out to the girl. He turns around and sees that she's quickly tapping away at something on a black electronic pad. He saw numbers and random letters before the screen blacks out and a video started playing. The video shows a five blurry shapes walk into the ramen shop. The first one had a mop of blonde hair so he was obviously Naruto but Issei couldn't make out who the others are. He guessed that they are the ones that Naruto called to help him.

"No, Naruto-sama went in earlier with his helpers but no signs of any activity is recorded after this..." Matsuri furrows her eyebrow in worry and exited the video screen to type up for anything that could tell them more.

"...Should we go in?" Issei asks as he sees his silver haired friend getting no results for her efforts (judging from her unchanging frown).

"That could possibly be the only way..." Matsuri tch'ed and puts the tablet back in her handbag. She adamantly walks up to the ramen shop and Issei quickly follows the strangely passive-aggressive girl.

Once they got to the door, Issei decided that he should be the one to go first and the brown haired boy reached for the handle. It was unlocked, which wasn't really that strange since Naruto came in earlier. He carefully pushes the door open and jumps back when it pulls itself forward, without his help. He lets go of the handle to pull back when he feels a strong grip on his shoulder. It was a grip that he was well acquainted with. It was Matsuri's signature "Anything for Naruto-sama *insert smile*" grip. Before he could turn around, the silver haired girl pushes him forward and straight through the open door.

Issei yelps as he feels himself getting grabbed from the shirt collar and roughly dragged into the darkness involuntarily. He was roughly spun around and then pushed on his butt into a wooden chair by the mysterious hand. The brunette instinctively tries to get up but he was then pushed once more backwards on the chair. The chair is stopped a moment later and before Issei even squeak at the impact, he was roughly blindfolded.

It was only around now that he starts hyperventilating. His brain is completely overloaded with what's happening so far and he has no way of processing any if what's happening to him, besides the fact that he's being manhandled. From the edge of his blindfold, he could see darkness taking on a brighter tone and figures that the light must have been turned on. A few shuffling noises could be heard around him and he hears someone taking a decisive step behind his back, which is glued to the chair. He feels a pair of hand undo the knot for his blindfold. As he feels the blindfold lower from his eyes, he squints and-

BANG! PFFTHRUUU! BANG! BANG! BANG! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISSEI!"

-Jumps back in surprise once more as a cacophony of noises exploded around him. He blinks and see the ramen shop is now decorated everywhere. The door has a banner that says "Happy Birthday!" The tables stacked together into a bigger table with wrapped boxes and a birthday cake in the middle. There were birthday balloons and confetti floating around everywhere. Strangely enough, there was also a realistic statue of a napping nine-tailed fox in the corner of the room with a party hat strapped on its head.

Issei blinks again and looks at the faces of the people in the room. The first one he saw was Naruto as the blonde smiled goofily and popped another party popper in Isse's face. He sees Dert sitting at the table sipping coffee and blowing on a party horn. He sees his parents sitting next to the middle aged man while smiling almost as widely as Naruto was. His mother snapped a picture with the camera in her hand. Matsuda and Motohama standing off to the side of the counter and giving him a mischievous grin. He turns around to see the person holding his shoulder and sees Matsuri smiling down at him almost apologetically.

"Wha-?" He blinks again and after a moment, another one before something clicks in his head. It was a surprise party for someone's birthday. It was his birthday today. This is a surprise party... for his birthday. "Ding"

"THIS IS TOO MUCH DAMMIT!" Issei sheds his tears and cries aloud, whether it was out of anger or happiness, even he did not know. Either way, he refused to talked again for ten minutes before Dert gave him his present as an appeasement offering.

Naruto's birthday ramen cake tasted surprisingly good, not that he told the blonde. He was still mad at the damned whiskered teen for giving him an almost-heart attack.

* * *

><p>AN<p>

Idiot #1: Welcome back to another belated and marshmallowful chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"!

Idiot #2: To start this off, #3! What do we have today for our amazingly beloved fans whom are willing to scourge their eyes reading this crap!

Idiot #3: More news in euphemism about us being lazy bastards!

Idiot #1: Stand back bros, I got this. Ahem, we are currently working very hard on making the next chapter of this fanfiction. Though it might be slowed due to RL, we really do intend to give this our fullest undivided atten- ooh a butterfly.

Idiot #2: Alright, cut! Perfect. Now insert some comment so that we can spike up our word count #3!

Idiot #3: We're a bunch of idiots!

Idiot #1: Yes, yes you guys are.

Idiot #2 and #3: OI!

Idiot #1: No seriously, is there no news this time. I'm pretty sure we're pissing someone, if not everyone, off for wasting their time as they read this crap.

Idiot #2: Hmmm... OH! Hey! I got one! Awesome readers out there! Can anyone suggest things that normal highschoolers do these days? We're literally getting our ideas from an ouija board and a decaying rat's skull (or a hamster's skull we're not exactly sure on the details). While it works amazingly well, the satanic persuasions are starting to get to us... wait a minute, we're writing a fanfic about satanism already...huh.

Idiot #3: We would appreciate any ideas and suggestions.

Idiot #1: And seriously, we're sorry for being so late. You'd expect three people working on this to be faster but nope.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


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